"Why do they act like this?!" Accepting our Role as Parents

When children act up, it's natural for parents to have thoughts such as "What's wrong with my child!?" or "I must be a bad parent for my child to be acting this way..," "My kid will grow up to have no manners etc.."  "When will this stop!", It will only get worse"...   and "Uh-oh, what am I going to do when he is a teenager?" Feelings and Thoughts such as those above  make us feel bad. These negative feelings and thoughts may cause us to yell, withdraw, close up, and can create a wall between us and our children.  It is important to be aware of how our children's  behavior makes us feel,  so that we can make an effort to change our thoughts.  Once our thoughts are changed, our feelings can be different.  

  Looking into our child's eyes with kindness and thinking of our role as the parent, (the one who tries to stay calm and is there to help, love, validate, or whatever it is that is needed to help the child), can be so effective.   For example, when a child starts yelling and screaming at a party because s/he stepped in mud,  instead of feeling embarrassed thinking "How can my child act this way in public!?" (which would make it hard to show the child empathy,)  thinking --  "How can I help"  and validating and accepting  their behavior for what it is,  will help the parent be present and positive. Whether or not a child "should or shouldn't" act a certain way.. they ARE acting like that!  Our job as parents is to figure out how to deal with the situation in a positive way.  Every time our child "acts up," yet sees that we are still  loving,  they learn that they are loved unconditionally.  

Try these positive responses and see how a stressful situation that may have turned into a heated power struggle can last only a few short moments,  and calmness can be restored pretty quickly. This way of responding also builds the relationship and trust between parents and children because our children feel they are free to be themselves.  They look to  the adult for support as they express their feelings,  instead of suppressing them for fear of judgment.  A child who is allowed to be herself/himself will have a healthier  start to relationships and have more confidence.

Should We Force Our Children To Apologize?

While It is important for our children to make amends when they do something wrong, commanding them to say the words "I'm sorry" - or similarly "I forgive you" when someone apologizes to them - is not the way to teach empathy.  Think about it: as an adult, how would you feel if the minute you do or say something wrong to someone, another person comes at you and demands that you apologize! So what can we do? Is there a way we can we teach kids to say they're sorry... and mean it? It helps if we 
clarify the lesson that we want to teach our children. 

Our ultimate goal is not for our kids to say the word “sorry.” We want them to show that they are truly sorry for what they have done. We want to help them repair the damage they have inflicted onto others. We want them to recognize that saying they’re sorry means that they regret what they have done because they have hurt another human being.

Grown-ups, not just children, tend to believe their own experience of reality is the true one, that they are generally justified in their actions. If we let kids off the hook by having them spit out words they don’t mean, we are encouraging them to lie, and missing a golden opportunity to teach empathy.  A child might say "I'm soooorrrrry" in a silly tone, or if he's scared of punishment he might say it as if he means it without really caring about the other person or learning a lesson from what happened. At this point, unfortunately, the scenario has become more of a power struggle than a learning experience.

So how can we teach our children to a) feel bad when they do something wrong and b) ultimately to apologize?

1) Model the behavior you want to see. If children see their parents apologizing sincerely when they have done wrong, they will learn to do the same!

2) Give your child the tools to figure it out himself. If you simply correct, you are undermining your child's ability to develop his own solution, and to build important self-esteem. Asking questions that make the child think about his behavior like "How do you think the other child is feeling?"  and "What can you do to help?" provides a "cue" that won't upstage his own insights and efforts.   Making sure your child has the "space"  to  look around and internalize the fact that he's done something to hurt someone else is important. You might be pleasantly surprised at how many times he will go over and apologize sincerely on his own!

3) Talk about the future: encouraging your child to think of better ways of behaving in the future (for example saying "excuse me" instead of pushing) helps a child learn to think of others' needs in addition to his own. Talking about better ways to make amends when a child has wronged someone else can help instill a child with the ability to handle a mistake in the future.

While saying sorry is certainly important,  teaching our children to care and feel for others, by helping them find ways to make honest amends, should be our ultimate goal and focus.

Taking the Emotional Reins:

Dealing with “negative” emotions is hard! Some fear that not all of the feelings within the range of the human experience are appropriate or OK.  On the contrary - feelings are normal and tell us that our hearts are alive and well. That being said, it is how we react to and what we do about these feelings that is the key to emotional awareness and control.  

It is sometimes easier to pretend an issue or feeling doesn't exist and just "move on” or try to "be happy anyway" than to actually face the underlying issue and deal with it. Ignoring the more unpleasant feelings – such as sadness or anger - doesn't make them go away, rather, it causes these emotions to come out at times we don't anticipate.  It is in these moments that they seem to take control over us.  Some examples of this may be yelling at our children, getting annoyed at a spouse for minor details, or frequently feeling tired and depressed.   It is becoming more and more widely accepted that pushing aside your emotions may even cause problems with physical health. 

“Negative” feelings are certainly unpleasant, but they are deeper than just a pain in the neck (although they can cause those too…): they are usually a signal, sent up by your subconscious, that something needs to change.  How?  The first step is figuring out what it is that is really bothering you…

1)Accept your feelings and take the time to pinpoint the issue:

It is not always easy to understand a feeling when it arises, especially if you think you shouldn't feel it.  It can be scary, but the first thing to do is to let go of “should”.  Judging your emotions throws up a psychic road-block and makes it fairly impossible to access them. Once you remove the added burden of judgment, you will begin to see the feelings more clearly.  Remember that no feeling is bad in and of itself. Any and all of your feelings are acceptable, it is what we choose to do with them and how we channel them that is important.

With the new clarity you gain from ceasing to judge your emotions, it will be easier to try to pinpoint exactly what you feel and then begin to reflect on what might be the cause. Where are the feelings coming from? Are they being churned up by our thoughts alone, or by actual events: did something just happen to trigger a feeling that bothered us as a child? For example, did someone say something inappropriate or offensive to you, and you then found yourself not standing up for yourself? Stopping to think about what brought on the specific feeling is the first step to dealing with it. This may take a lot of time and effort at first, but once you get to know your feelings and where they come from, and once you become more familiar with your own thought process, identifying and understanding the feeling will become a lot easier.  

Almost like magic, knowing where the feeling came from and even simply acknowledging your feeling seems to disarm the feeling and take away its ability to take control of you.  It’s as if your feeling can then say "OK, thanks for noticing me, now you don't need to take me out on others (or on yourself by overeating, going on the computer, or some other behavior to avoid the feeling).”  What a relief!

2) Figure out what you want:

Now that you know what it is that’s bothering you… what do you want?  Do you want to feel… calm?  Happy? More energetic?  It may seem obvious that one would want to feel just the opposite of how one is feeling, but it is important to clearly see and state your goals for your feelings in order to replace the “negative” thoughts and feelings with positive ones.  If you want to create a new route, you must take away the old road, but you must also build a new road. Clearly stating your goals gives you the construction plan for this new road.  

3) Take an active role in achieving your goal:

Once you have pinpointed the feeling through raising your awareness and decreasing judgment of your “negative” emotion, and once you have identified your goals for how you want to feel, stop and think: "What do I need to do to feel better?"  Thinking about what we can actually do to help ourselves shifts the focus from dwelling in our feelings to dealing with them in a positive way.  You may come to realize an apology (whether to or from you) would be the only thing that would truly clear the air; perhaps calling a trusted friend to “vent” is all that is needed, or taking a walk to calm down. Sometimes it is a passing feeling, or just a fleeting reminder of something negative that may have happened in the past, and you are the only one who knows if you can weather these passing storms of feeling alone or whether it is time to make an appointment with a therapist.  This brings us to our last point:

4) Make taking care of yourself a priority:

When we are feeling good, it is easier to deal with our emotions within the right frame of mind. Trying to get enough sleep, eating foods that make us feel energized, and getting exercise can help bring out the best in a person. Showing our children that we take care of ourselves both physically and emotionally is the best way for them to learn to do the same.  Saying something to your children in a difficult moment like "Mom is feeling sad.  I need to go think about what is bothering me so that I can feel better and deal with it appropriately," can teach kids to do the same. 

We are all human beings, filled with all kinds of emotions.   Taking control as well as gaining the upper hand  takes discipline and practice, and like anything  that we are just beginning to work at, it will seem difficult at first. Being kind and patient with yourself helps.  The art of "getting to know yourself," will get easier and easier which will lead to a sense of mastery and empowerment! :)

The Power Of Attitude

Having a positive attitude brings optimism into our lives and makes it easier to avoid worry and negative thinking. A positive attitude helps one see the bright side of any given situation and  cope with the stresses of life more effectively.

Developing a positive attitude towards our children and the stages they go through helps us  look toward each stage with a better frame of mind, hoping for the best instead of the worst. For example, when a parent of a new baby is told "Just wait until your child starts to crawl!"  or "Oh boy, you don't want to know what it will be like when that baby starts to talk,!" that parent is hearing a negative attitude. Why shouldn't we look toward the future with hope and excitement? Our thoughts create our reality. For example, thoughts such as "this child is born to be stubborn," may lead to a negative attitude toward that child's stubbornness, which can stop us from having the patience to spend time teaching that child how to cooperate. 

"Just wait until they are older, they won't like many things you did as a parent!" This way of thinking is not conducive to a positive attitude.  It may make a person feel like not trying their best. What we can realize is that no relationship is perfect! We don't love everything our spouse, friends or our coworkers do. Even our best friends may do things that  irritate us. It is communication and understanding as well as apologizing when necessary, that make our relationships strong. Our kids feel our intentions and most of all, our attitude. It is important that our children feel free to share their feelings, both positive and negative, without being judged. Having open, loving communication, keeps the relationship strong so that one day when our children come tell us the things they "didn't like," that strong bond of trust and understanding that has been built has a greater chance of staying intact, regardless of mistakes made.

"Just wait till you have teens," is something that a young mother may hear. Choosing to think "I hope to deal with each stage as it comes as best as I can,  and if I don't know how, I will reach out for help," will lead to a more positive outlook on going through the stages as they come and help us to parent to the best of our abilities. Attitude is a choice! Let us  choose to look toward the future through positive eyes!

Toilet Learning: Ready Or Not?

By Pam Machefsky,  an Early Childhood Educator, parent educator, and mentor for new teachers for 35 years.


If you're a  parent whose child is giving you some signals that he/she is ready for using the toilet, I have some suggestions drawn from both personal experience and from 35 years in the Early Childhood field. Allow me to share!


1. The term 'toilet training' is generally not used in educational circles these days. Using the phrase 'toilet learning' or 'potty learning' gives a much more accurate description of what the child is doing.



2.  There is NO 'right' age for toilet learning; it is an extremely individual process.  I always felt sad and indignant for parents who told me that their child was rejected from a nursery school because he/she was not yet toilet ready. Setting a date for when children MUST be using the toilet is completely artificial and even goes against one's natural needs. If you apply to a nursery school that demands 'toilet learned by a certain date' as an entrance requirement, the National Association for the Education of Young Children (N.A.E.Y.C.) advises against choosing that school for your child.


3. Knowing that there is no correct age for toilet learning, what does a parent do? Happily, there are signs that your child is ready. (Just as you know that your baby can eat certain foods once they have teeth, there are signs for this potty-ready stage in life also!) First of all, is your child eager for mastery in other areas of his/her life? Wants to pick out his foods, her clothes, wants to try new experiences? This is a sign of a child getting ready! Then look for a child who might hide behind a chair (or go to a "private place") when she needs to make a bowel movement in her diaper. This child understands that something is happening in her body, and she feels like she wants a quiet or private place for this to happen. Another signal is a child who wants his diaper off as soon as it's wet; he doesn't like that uncomfortable dampness anymore. (And no matter how much the diaper manufacturers tell you that their diaper stays dryer--it does feel wet!) Another signal is a lot of curiosity about the bathroom and the toilet. 


4. When you sense that your child is ready, you'll have a few questions.(a) How do I start? Pick a week-end or some other day or two when your family schedule is not full. (Good luck with that!) Know that you'll be changing a lot of underpants at first. Have lots of new underwear on hand and have a small potty/seat cover in the bathroom. (b) Which small toilet do you choose for your home toilet learning? Some children prefer to have their feet on the floor, so a small potty which sits on the floor is best for them (although is is more work for the parent--another toilet to clean!) Other kids like the idea of being on the "big potty", so a small seat which fits over the big toilet is ideal for them. There are many portable seat covers available today, so you can easily pack one in a bag for when you go out. (c) Do you use "pull-ups" during this time? Generally, I would say do not use pull-ups in the daytime--they really are just diapers with elastic waists! One of the 'perks' of learning is the thrill of  getting to wear 'big girl' or 'big boy' underpants. If your child is wetting/soiling more than 4 pairs in 8 hours (with cues from you), then he or she may not be ready yet. (d) How do I cue my child? "It's time to go to the bathroom," is a good reminder.  If your child is reluctant to stop what they are doing to go to the bathroom, remind him that you are proud that he's going  and you want to help him keep his special new underwear dry. 


5. Relax! The most important thing to remember is to remain calm and keep a positive demeanor when experiencing the challenges that may come with toilet learning.  Keeping in mind that every child gets there sooner or later - when he/she is ready - can help.  Your child is taking a giant step toward independence! Congrats!

"Why Won't They Just Listen!?"

Instead of listening to their parents, many children will either ignore a request, walk away, talk back, or "give the silent treatment." This leaves parents feeling tired, frustrated, upset and at times at their wits end! It is natural to feel like yelling or punishing our kids when they just won't listen!! Shouldn't they do as they are told? What else is there to do? Here are a few things to keep in mind that may help your child follow your directions with less opposition:

1) Build  A Strong Relationship:

Showing interest in your child's life by asking questions, playing games with him/her or going on outings to kid-friendly places are great ways to spend positive time together. Making an effort to really listen without judgement or criticism helps strengthen that bond between you, which motivates your child to listen to you and have an easier time cooperating. Every child wants to feel close to their parents. When a big part of your relationship is showing an interest in your child's life, apart from telling your child what to do, it is easier to get the results you want at times when he/she needs to do things he/she doesn't want to do just because you asked or because it is "the rule."

2) Ask Your Child For Ideas That Can Help Him/Her Succeed:

If your child is having a hard time listening to any given task -- for example, going to bed, doing homework, or getting dressed in the morning; stating what needs to be done and asking the child for his/her suggestions can help him/her come up with solutions. Questions like "what can help you get dressed in the morning right away?"  Or - "Is there something you can think of that will help you stay in bed?" (soft music, an extra story, a small light, a stuffed animal, a sticker chart are some ideas.) Including children in this decision-making process is very empowering to them, and gives them a sense of self-mastery, which is an extremely important part of their development. After all, when children act out, isn't it just a clumsy attempt at asserting themselves?  Getting "buy-in" from your child in creating clear, safe limits is a way to set those limits while at the same time providing them with what they are seeking to begin with: a sense of control in what can otherwise seem to be a chaotic, uncontrollable world.

3) Give Instructions Without Anger:
The tone of voice we use can effect how our kids listen to us. It is important that we use a calm voice when asking our kids to do things or helping them refocus when they are not doing the right thing. Instead of putting them down and asking questions that cause them to get defensive like; "Why are you throwing that ball in the living room?! How many times do I have to tell you...!?" We can ask questions that help them refocus -- for example, "Where is a better place to play ball?" Or, "If you would like to play ball, show me you know where to play it." This helps children listen because they don't feel attacked, and thus there is no need to get defensive.

4) Prevent Negative Situations Before They Begin:

Many negative behaviors can be prevented when we know the cause. Tantrums because of hunger, lashing out because of tiredness, and not listening because of confusion of rules are examples of these. Below are a few ways to prevent negative situations from the start:

~  If you know your child is cranky and hungry after school, having snacks and water  ready when he/she gets home, or bringing them to school at pick-up time for your child to eat and drink right away can help avoid problems later.

~  If your child is really tired and it is causing him/her to have a hard time listening, getting your child to sleep earlier can help!  If that is not an option or he/she is just cranky after a long day before bed time, you can begin preparing your child for bed much before he/she gets too tired to listen. That way, bath time or pajama time won't be such a struggle. It is very hard for kids (as well as adults!) to follow rules calmly when they are exhausted. 
~  Prepare your child in advance of what the rules are and what you expect. For example -- "we are going to go to the park but a few things need to happen in order for us to go." "I need you to come as soon as I tell you it is time to leave, even if you don't want to."  "Who is ready to do that?" "I will warn you when there is five minutes left and that means it's time to start getting ready to leave." Preparing children for the schedule and reminding them what you expect helps them listen better then abruptly telling them what is expected while they are involved in something else.

The most important thing to remember is that our children are not robots. They are human beings with moods, feelings, and personalities, just like all of us! By paying attention to what we can do differently when things aren't going right, rather than focusing on "this behavior is bad," we will more often be able to avoid the tantrums and power struggles, and we'll have a clearer and more direct way of reaching our child, with less stress - and more fun.

Helping Kids Develop A Healthy Attitude Towards Food:

                                          

Giving our children proper food messages can help them learn positive eating habits as well as have a healthy body image when they are older. If we put thought into the way we introduce food, plan our meals, and discuss food around our children, we can create understanding of, and  positive feelings towards eating properly - without power struggles.

Explain the benefits of healthy foods:

When serving meals, explaining the different food groups and why they are important can educate our kids about why certain foods are good for us and how. For example, meat, fish, and other protein sources contain iron and are good for your blood and bones, fruits have lots of vitamins that our bodies need and want, and vegetables have fiber and lots of other nutrients which can prevent disease. When our bodies are well fed, we feel better, happier and  more energetic.

Trying new things is brave! 

Making a big deal about trying new things can help motivate kids to do so. Sharing personal situations of times you thought you wouldn't like something and then tasted it - and liked it - may help them want to try new things as well. When children aren't forced to eat something they don't like, they will be more willing to give new foods a chance.

Involve the children in making a menu:

Sitting down with your picky eaters and having them choose options for dinner can encourage them to eat more of it.  Including their ideas (even if they are not typical) may help them be more likely to eat at meal times.

Everything in moderation:

Instead of telling kids that "treats are bad for you," "make you fat," or “are poison," you can explain to them the concept of moderation. There are some foods that are good for us that we can eat a lot of, and other foods that taste yummy, but don't have nutritional value. The second type are foods we can enjoy only in small amounts because they are not healthy for our bodies. When children are aware of this concept, and are allowed candies and treats in moderation, they are much less likely to binge, or be "the child who begs other children for their candy at school."  Knowing why it is better to eat certain foods in moderation -  not because "mommy is mean and doesn't let us," but rather, because "I care about my body and want to keep it healthy" - will give them a positive message about food that they can carry with them into adulthood.

Not Using Food as a Reward or Punishment:

When food is given as a reward or taken away as a punishment, it can lead to emotional eating.  Food is not a friend, nor an enemy - it is there for when we are hungry. Using treats as a punishment or reward can lead to adults who eat when they are upset or reward themselves with a pizza pie after a hard day -- not a healthy outlook!

Model Healthy Eating:

Lastly, but perhaps most importantly: we can't model a healthy approach to eating for our children if we ourselves have an emotional relationship with food! Taking a good look at your own relationship with eating helps: do you eat when you're sad/bored/lonely? How was food and mealtime approached when you were a child, and how might that impact you and your eating habits today? Taking the time and energy for some reflection in this area may give us the needed insight to have a healthier, more detached approach to helping our kids develop normal, healthy eating habits. The less negative attention we give to food, the more positive, happy, and educational we can make our mealtimes. We'll be healthier role models for our children, and will start them on a

positive path toward having a healthy relationship with food!