My daughter came home from school one day and wouldn't stop whining. Everything was a big deal! First, she was arguing with her siblings. Next, she didn't like my dinner! Her clothes were all ugly! It was one thing after the next...
After dinner, her mood really escalated and she bit her brother. I removed her from the room, brought her to a quiet place and said to her "you know that biting is never allowed! People don't act out like this for no reason! I want you to sit here and think about what is bothering you so that we can help you deal with your feelings in a more appropriate way."
A few minutes later, she burst into tears. "Mommy, there is a group of girls in my class who don't let anyone sit near them if they weren't in the same bunk with them at camp! It makes me feel so sad and left out when they act like that!" I held her for a while and we spoke about her behavior. How she must have felt so sad that she wanted to express how she was feeling. We spoke about that feeling of wanting to hit/bite/break things... and how when she gets that feeling, it's a good time to stop, and figure out what is bothering her inside! We talked about how it is even OK to say "mommy, I feel like biting! Or "I feel like yelling so loud I am so mad!" But since we are never allowed to hurt others, we must find better ways of dealing with that feeling... I also assured her that I will be calling her teacher and we will figure out how to deal with the situation in the classroom.
I was so moved by what came next. My daughter ran into my arms, looked at me with her big eyes open wide, "mommy I am so happy we figured out what was bothering me! Thank you for taking such good care of me! Now I know why I was acting so cranky!!"
When a child is misbehaving it can be very helpful to think - what is going on here? Why are they behaving like this? Most important, we can think about how we can help them learn to express themselves appropriately.
If a child is acting out because they are tired, sad, hungry, angry, or because they don't know how to deal with an emotion they are feeling, punishing them for it wont result in better behavior, (at least not for the right reasons!) Looking deeper into the heart and soul of our child and working to figure out what is going on, can! Finding more appropriate ways of expressing negative emotions teaches children how to deal with unpleasant feelings or emotions in a positive way!
I want to share an example of how powerful the results of this approach can be! My daughter was very upset at something that I had said to her. She had a toy in her hand and was ready to throw it. She then quickly ran into her room closed the door and stayed there for a while. A few minutes later, she came to me and said "mommy, I felt like throwing because I was so mad at what you told me, but since I know that hurting isn't OK , I quickly ran to my room to calm down so that I can be ready to use my words instead!
When I saw this, how a 5 year old (at the time) is capable of learning such self control and emotional awareness, I was inspired!
This way of thinking and dealing with situations might take a long time to work. Just because We may not see results right away, and sometimes it can seem as if our efforts don't make a difference, this is not the case! No effort goes to waste. Even if some of our hard work may seem not to have an impact, it is going to be helpful to our childrens future success and emotional awareness!
8 comments:
More outstanding examples! I do think that you have a rare and perceptive daughter, but you are right when you say parents have to look deeper. It's just takes a few extra minutes--and it's worth it!
thanks Pam! True, she is very perceptive, but I believe through this approach, all children can become more emotionally aware and perceptive! They can learn to understand their emotions and eventually, to control them! :)
Great patience skills!.Im glad you were rewarded for your efforts in helping her get thru it.
thanks chanale! :)
It's really hard to stay calm and think about what lessons to teach when so many things are going on. sometimes its easier to just do the "wrong" thing because it gives instant (short term) results. How is it possible to be so calm and "perfect" when everything is going haywire?
It is not possible to ever be perfect! :) However, the thought of "what is going on here... how can I HELP teach my child in this situation," can have a calming effect. It puts a mother in "teacher mode" rather then just reacting without thinking... Sometimes, going away and taking deep breaths to refocus is what is needed to come back and react calmly...
so true Rivkie its important to think about the question behind the behavior, that seems to help me get less frustrated with the actual behavior and gets me focused on trying to answer the right question instead.
Thanks, Rivkie! This is important in a teaching or group care environment, too. To try and find out what emotions, etc. are leading to a child's inappropriate behavior and dealing with the "trigger" and not just the behavior will more likely lead to long-term learned discipline.
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