Replacing Negative Behaviors

When Children get upset, or are not sure how to handle a situation, they do what comes natural;  yell, hit, whine, or fight. In order for us to help our kids stop these behaviors, we need to teach them how to replace them with more positive ones.


Example  1: Commenting on the negative behavior:
 Sarah is playing with her ball that Ben wants to use. Ben is three, and does what comes natural, grabs away the ball from Sarah.  Sarah Starts to yell.  Mom says;  "No grabbing!"  Or "stop fighting!"


Teaching to replace the behavior:
Mom:  "Can you think of a better way you can get the ball instead of grabbing it?" Ben: "Sarah, can I please play with your Ball when you are finished?"  Mom: "I like that you are asking for what you want with words instead of grabbing!  I am going to be watching for times you use words instead of being physical! I know how hard it can be to control yourself, but I know you can do it!"


Example 2:  Commenting on the negative behavior
Shaina comes home from school starving.  Shaina: "This dinner looks gross! Why did you make a supper that I hate?? I am not eating any of it!"  Mom: "That is not how we talk to a mother! Stop whining and go hungry if you don't like dinner!"


Teaching to replace the behavior:

Shaina: "This dinner is gross!"  Mom: "Shaina, Mommy worked hard making this dinner for you. There is a respectful way to say how you feel while showing you appreciate the hard work someone put in for you.  Can you think of a better way to say that you don't like this dinner?"   Shaina:  "Thank you for making us dinner mom!  This dinner  is not my taste. Do you mind if I make myself a sandwich instead?"


If a child can't think of ways to express what they want to say/do in a more appropriate way, we can give them the words to do so.  For example: "Instead of hitting  because you are upset your brother took your crayon, you can use words to say "Please ask me before you take my crayons! If he still does not listen, you can call mommy for help."


By re-doing scenarios and having our kids practice better ways of communicating and reacting, replacing their instinctive reactions to better ones can become second nature. By taking notice of when they are trying, it motivates them to try harder. It is not easy to change an initial reaction!  If children are taught this when they are young, they will grow up with a tool that even many adults do not have! They will know how communicate negative feelings in a respectful and polite manner.