“I feel sad when you get bad grades” “It makes me angry when you forget to make your bed." “You’d better behave. You don’t want your father to get really upset and yell at you.”
Statements like these, give our children to message that they are responsible for our emotions. It also can instill co-dependent behavior, making them think that what they do or say can make or break someone else's happiness and life choices when in fact, we are all responsible for our own feelings and behaviors, no matter what others do or say!
Learning to have and express our feelings without making other people responsible for them is a challenge. Something to think about when dealing with our children, is that we have the choice to learn to remain calm, and learn better techniques in how to deal with stressful situations without yelling, hitting, or criticizing them. If we find ourselves feeling out of control because of strong emotions that is something we need to figure out and work on... not our child's responsibility. after all we tell our children "no one can make you do anything! you need to choose what is right regardless of what others do and say."
we can replace comments like "you are making me very angry" with something like "This behavior is not OK, we need to talk about this." Or, "don't make me yell at you" with something like "I need to go calm down before I deal with this issue."
Learning to take control of our own emotions and actions regardless of what others do and say is crucial for a healthy self esteem. By taking responsibility for our own shortcomings and outbursts, and working on them internally, we can help our children to do the same for their own behavior and mistakes.
28 comments:
Wow! really important message. thank you!
I love you Rivkie, but I have to disagree. YOu are right that we shouldn't yell or get crazy at our kids, it's useless in the end anyways, but what's wrong with making them responsible for how Mommy feels? If we say that same emotion calmly I think it's totally allowed.
Here is what you wrote:
"we are all responsible for our own feelings and behaviors, no matter what others do or say!"
If someone hurts you, you are not allowed to feel upset? If my daughter doesn't make her bed, why can't I tell her it upsets me or makes me angry? I could. Just not yelling and screaming. I could just say how I feel when she does that. Straight out. Without lots of emotion. Fact: When you wait until last second to get your shoes on and make me wait, I get frustrated with you and I'd rather not get frustrated with you.
She will not be late as she does not want to frustrate me anymore!
What do you think? I could be wrong! Just my thoughts :)
Thanks for your comment Hindel! I agree that there are times children can know and hear our frustration. However, we need to be careful that we don't make them feel responsible for our feelings. A child should learn to clean their room not "because If i dont mommy will get mad" but rather "because I am responsible for my things and want to take care of them." A child should use words instead of hitting not "because it will make mommy angry if I hit" but because "hitting hurts others, and there is a better more appropriate way to communicate." there is a difference with saying something like "I expect you to make your bed" and "I am angry because you did not make your bed." as well as "when you don't put your shoes on I get frustrated" and teaching them how our behavior effects others peoples time, ... not because they are worried to make mommy upset, but because they have learned to care for mommies time...
I think it's ok if kids sometimes do things because "otherwise, Mommy will be disappointed with me." Why not? I'm thinking of examples and it really raelly depends what.
(1) Sharing negative emotions with your child adds to their guilt--don't overburden!(2) EVEN if you say it nicely, you are confusing your child. Kids know what angry, sad, etc. look and sound like--like when your car is vandalized at the parking lot, that made you angry! And you expressed it appropriately. DO NOT devalue language, one of the most important tools you have for communicating with your children, to the point where it has no meaning or it's just confusing. (3) The classic excuse of wife beaters is "She made me so angry! It's her fault that I'm angry!" Not true--and Mommy isn't angry because her child made her angry--Mommy is angry, period. Do not make your child the wife beater's victim--"I shouldn't have made him angry!"
What does a person being angry have to do with beating his wife? You can be made angry without beating her!
I really think it's ok if we allow the kids the responsiblity of a negative emotion of a parent because of something they did. If they didn't do it, they didn't do it. But, if they did do something, why can't they know that they did something that upset you? I don't think you should yell and scream, but you sure can tell your kid that they made you upset, sad, disappointed when they.... whatever it was.
Of course you can be angry without beating your wife! The point of that example is that abusers always say, "She made me angry" as if that's an excuse. What on earth could your child do that you would want to make him feel guilty, bad, confused , and scared? (we're talking about children under age 10 here). Trying to control your child by sharing your own negative feelings does nothing but devalue your child. Why not talk things out without any extra guilt heaped on? There can be consequences but, please, don't make mommy's "feelings" be one of them--it's just not appropriate.
I used your example to make my point- he was using being angry as an excuse to abuse his wife. That, I agree, is disgusting.
Why is pointing out your disappointment or hurt to your child make him feel scared or confused, etc? I think the difference is only in HOW we do it. Sharing your feelings does NOT devalue your child.
i'm enjoying the discussion.
There is something to be said for kids experiencing normal uncontrolled reactions to the things they do and say. Prepares them more for the reactions of real people in the real world in the future.
Let me respond to "anonymous" who write that letting children experience "normal uncontrolled reactions" prepares them for the "real world in the future." The best answer I have for this comes from a professor I had in graduate school, who was meeting a crowd of worried parents from the Harlem neighborhood where we grad students were teaching. One mother shouted, "Why you give our kids all this good stuff when they little when you know they be going to bad schools when they big? They just gonna be mad and sad!" Professor Weber looked the mother right in the face and said, "If you knew there were a famine coming in two years, would you start starving your child now to prepare him for hunger? NO! You'd give your child all that you could now, to help him survive that famine!" And that is how we really should look at our young children--we should give them all the positive tools we can so they know that the world, HaShem's world, is good. There will be rough spots, even tremendous sadness, in our adult lives, but if we are taught to recognize what are our own mistakes and how to fix them, then we can be well-adjusted adults. Hindel, your child is not your therapist! You do not need to share your every feeling with a young child--it is sufficient to calmly point out the undesired behavior and help the child fix it. Your child gets plenty of opportunity to see adults express negative emotions about other events--a parent's job is to walk/talk the child through those emotions with explanations. There are several outstanding children's books about feeling and emotions--Mr. Rogers book on the topic is a classic. Open a conversation with your child about emotions--do not lay a guilt trip at their feet. Help your child become emotionally healthy so that they can handle strong emotions when they are older.
There is something to be said for children experiencing uncontrolled emotion! I couldnt agree more. Howver, not in an unhealthy way. Meaning, if mommy is feeling sad because of something, and tells her child, "mommy is going for a walk to feel happier and then I will play with you I need to figure it out. or even just im feeling a little sad today...." That is healthy... mommies sometimes feel sad. But if mommy tells the child "you are making me very sad, I am sad BECAUSE of YOU" now that is not something IMHO any child needs to or should experience. The definition of Co-dependency is thinking and feeling bad for other people's feelings more then your own and feeling responsible for other peoples happiness to the extent that you can't make healthy choices for yourself! I believe parents making kids feel their feelings are their child's fault, causes this type of condition. An example would be "I wouldn't yell at you if you wouldn't act that way!" (but we all yell but it is a MISTAKE, why blame the child for our behavior that we need to work on??) same thing as telling a customer "If you wouldn't have asked so many questions, I wouldn't throw this box at you...." A gift we can give to our children is lead by example in how to deal with uncontrolled emotion... so if a parent yells at someone because she couldn't control herself in front of her child) then apologizing (in front of her child) shows the child how to take responsibility when we let our emotions take control... and that we need to make amends....
Hey Pam - go easy on Hindel, please. What's with the "do not"?
I don't see anywhere that Hindel advocated laying guilt trips.
Everyone should see Hindel with her kids. It's absolutely beautiful. When I hang around them, I go home a better mother.
Pam,
First off, let me clarify that I am not the anonymous blogger- I never talk anonymously because I am secure in my ideas, my mothering, etc.
Secondly, why is the assumption, Rivkie and Pam, that exposing our children to emotions equal to yelling and screaming? When I CALMLY and STERNLY say to my daughter who didn't get into the bath after I already asked her twice, "You're upsetting me. I don't like to have to ask the same things over and over" She hops herself into the bath and there's no guilt in her- there's just that thought 'oh what I'm doing is VERY wrong." In other words: REAL anger and irritation and viciousness I whole heatedly agree is wrong!! But saying "I'm so happy when you welcome the guests in a loud Shabbos voice or when you listen so quickly" or "I'm so sad when you hurt your baby" and at the same time I'm staying calm and motherly, it teaches them emotions. My kids use sad and happy a lot and they got it for me. Just today, when my second daughter (6) kept bugging my older daughter (8) while my older daughter was trying to read, my older daughter finally said, "You're frustrating me. I can't read even one page without you interrupting." The 6 year old stopped. She loves her sister and would prefer not to frustrate her. Why should the 8 year old have to "take a walk" and go elsewhere? She easily and nicely taught her sister to leave her alone! Removing ourselves from a situation where our kids are pushing our buttons is not always feasible and a huge loss of a learning experience for them to always go and get a breather.
Calmly sharing how we feel (about their actions) with our kids is a wise idea. It makes them into confident, secure, mentchlecheh people who do the right thing.
P.S. Pam, please read what I wrote carefully. You wrote: "Hindel, your child is not your therapist! You do not need to share your every feeling with a young child."
Who ever said every feeling? I'm talking about a feeling that THEY are responsible for, like not listening, etc. I think it's a little obvious that we shouldn't talk to our kids about our negative feelings about things outside of them.
Fair enough, we can disagree and still be friends! :)
i see you posted this after I deleted my comment, but of course! :)
Pam - i looked up Mister Rogers and found tons of books etc... where is a good place to start?
ok... heres my thoughts...
its ok to let a child know that we feel frustrated with their action just like we would want them to let us know their emotions and validate thme when they have it....at the same time u have to b very careful that the frustration is not directed at them for example...
I feel very frustrated to have come to your room and see that your bed is not made... instead of I am so frustrated at YOU for not making you bed...
direct the frustration @ their actions never @ them!!!
and at the same time I believe its ok to say I feel sad when u hurt the baby... as the focus is more on the action they are doing then on them
one more thing:)
I do agree with Hindel that it is ok to tell a child how u feel when they do a specific action , but it is not ok to tell a child that they caused u to feel that way....
example-
YOU are frustrating me when you don't make your bed.... is not okay ....but when you don't make ure bed, I feel frustrated... is ok
you are just communicating how u feel when they do a specific action!!!
I wanted to say the same thing. Theres a huge ifference in saying Im feeling upset as oppsed to its YOUR fault that Im upset!
of course we have feelings a huge lesson can be learned of a child sees we are angry so we go to our room to calm down as oppsed to them feeling that because they made us angry we can yell at them and its all their fault.
There are two different kinds of sharing feelings. One type is sharing feelings of hurt/anger (or any other feeling) when the child doesn't listen or act appropriately and the other is trying to teach the child empathy and to care about the feelings of another. Empathy is something that we should teach our children, caring about other peoples feelings! But feeling guilty and responsible for other peoples feelings is different. For example, if a child rips her mothers coat, to show sadness is appropriate: It is appropriate to realize that when we ruin other peoples things, they feel sad. But showing sadness when a child doesn't listen, or saying "it makes me very angry when you don't put your shoes away" is a completely different message. A child should listen to their parents, and be respectful of their things because it is the right thing to do, not out of fear from angering a parent.
The example you gave (ripping the coat) etc it would be INAPPRORPIATE to show anger or even sadness. The child didn't do it on purpose!!! You can give the kid a way to make it up- if they spilled accidentally then they can clean it up- but you can't show any anger or even sadness. You can only smile and say, "It was an accident!"
We (or at least I, maybe I'm the only one of the other side of the fence here :) is talking about showing sadness, disappointment, etc. at a kid who did not listen to what they were instructed to do or did the wrong thing too many times... Then the child needs to feel those emotions from his/her mother becuse they have the ability to fix it!
Hindel, I can tell that you are a thoughtful, caring parent who is sincerely concerned about raising her children the "right" way. The truth is, whatever works for your family, and you feel 100% great about it, is the "right" way for you. I do want to ask you about your comment, when you were talking about your daughter not taking her bath after you asked her twice. You said something like, "I'm upset at you. I don't like to have to ask you to do things over and over." [Sorry I do not have you exact quote here, I'm having trouble with my blog response]. You said that you stated this calmly and sternly. This is what I mean about devaluing language; if you were truly upset, your should have shown it. You do not need to say the words "I'm upset" in a calm voice. (Rabbi Pesach Krohn gave an outstanding drash about how we parents have to be careful with our words. He suggested we not use phrases like "I LOVE that dress!" and save the love word for things that deserve our love, like our families, the Torah, our friends. His words had a big impact on me because I was always very cavalier with 'feeling' words!) I'm wondering what your daughter would do if you left your feelings, your emotions, out of the sentence all together. What would happen if you simply said, "I don't like to have to ask you to do things over and over"?Do you think she would get in the tub? Do you think you could try to leave your feelings out of your instructions to your children, just as an experiment, for 2 or 3 days? I would be very interested to see how your children respond. I think that Rivkie's premise that we can talk to our children without sharing our emotions is valid, and I wonder if you would be willing/able to try it. I would try it with my daughter, and share the results, but she's 26 already! (And my grandsons NEVER do anything that needs correcting! Ask any Jewish grandmother--the grandkids are perfect!) Looking forward to hearing from you--keep reading and writing at this outstanding blog!
To clarify: I am talking about when a child does it on purpose. Of course I agree not if they did it by accident! I was explaining the difference between teaching them to care about the feelings of others, and making them responsible..
I would just like to point out to Pam (i didn't read the entire discussion, really no time : ( maybe sombody said this already)
but this is what I see — a child grows up thinking he's not responsible for Mommi's sad feelings, well for that matter, he's not responsible for anybody's sad or angry feelings. Actually the child grows up thinking he can do whatever he wants because he can't hurt somebody's feelings... it's not his problem... kind of the extreme situation, but that's where this can go if you never let your child know that his actions can hurt somebody or make somebody angry.
Plus sharing feelings creates intimacy in the relationship and lets other ppl know of your needs and teaches the child hear other people's needs :)
All for sharing how Mommi feels!!
Hi Pam,
Firstly, thanks for changing your tone to more positive and upbeat. It's always more fun then being attacked :)
SEcondly, I am not an ALWAYS person, so I do lots of what you suggested and say plenty without necessarily expressing my emotions, I just say the reality/hard facts straight out. Maybe I came off as so adamant that you couldn't even imagine it :) Though, I still believe that showing our kids emotion (again, without expressing real, hurtful anger- even though you say it's using words lightly, it's still smarter than saying the words on high emotion) is hugely effective and very healthy.
Should I be really blunt? My opinion is that not expressing emotion to our kids makes them into weirdos. Healthy, normal, vibrant kids are exposed to emotions from their parents- both positive and negative. Like Tanya mentioned it teaches kids responsiblity and the flip-side how to emotionally connect, love, etc.
Btw, Pam, I lvoe what you wrote about the grandkids! So true! Can't wait to be a grandmother myself :)
Hindel
Also, Palm, you recommended this, but wouldn't what I like be inserting my feelings? "I don't like to have to ask you to do things over and over"
It's almost impossible to do! Oy!
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