Punishment VS Discipline

Our guest blogger today is Pam Machefsky, Early Childhood Educator:


Has this ever happened to you? You're in a rush, you've got to get out of the house in 10 minutes, you turn on your blow-dryer, it starts acting funny, so you give it a little tap on the sink. You know you shouldn't hit it, but maybe it will work with just another tap. It does--briefly. Then it stops completely. Now, has this scenario ever happened to you? Your child starts "acting funny" in the grocery store, so you threaten to give him a "little tap". You know you shouldn't, but maybe it will get your child to behave. Briefly.


When we find ourselves trying to control our children with threats--or with actual hitting--we should step back and ask, "Am I punishing my child? Do I want to punish my child, or do I want to discipline my child?" There is a big difference between punishment and discipline: the lesson that the child learns. 


If you are a frequent reader of this blog (as I am), then you know that Positive Parenting is about helping children learn and grow through positive examples, thoughtful conversations, and lots of love and hugs. When a parent hits a child as "punishment" for undesired behavior, the child remembers one lesson: it's okay to hit. Well, it must be okay to hit because Mommy or Daddy just did it! And that's actually the problem will ALL punishments--they teach the wrong lesson. Punishments are externally imposed on a child, often bearing no relationship to the undesired behavior, often imposed to make things easier for the adult in charge. (Think of any school "punishments" you may have received!) "But this child did something wrong! This child needs to be punished! Are you saying that children shouldn't be punished?"


Yes, I'm saying that children should be disciplined, not punished. There must be consequences for behaviors--positive and negative--and the negative ones need discipline. Discipline takes time--at least a minute longer than punishment! Discipline requires the parent to judge the situation calmly("Oh, dear, you've thrown your blocks all over the room"), talk to the child about desired behavior,("We should pick them up now so you can play with them another time") and then move the child into the desired behavior, either with words or with actions or both ("Come on, let's put all these blocks into the basket--who wants to go first?"). And don't try to punish your child with idle threats: "If you don't pick up these blocks right now, I'm going to throw them in the garbage!" Your child is far too smart for that to work!!!!


Discipline's goal is to teach the child inner controls learned from good examples (hence, the meaning of the word "disciple," one who follows). Isn't that what the Positive Parent wants children to learn? Of course it is!