Teaching Our children Through Validation

Leah Is shopping at the grocery store with her mother.  She spots candy that looks yummy that she has never tried before.  "Mommy, can we get that candy now?"  she asks.  "No!  We are not getting candy now!  stop whining or we will leave the store!"  Leah has a tantrum and mom is looking around embarrassed and unsure how to handle her "difficult"  child.
In this example, the mom ignored the feelings and emotions her child was going through and was abrupt with her no, which caused a tantrum.  Her daughter was left feeling like no one cares about what she wants!

How can we deal with a situation like this differently?  Validating and emotional coaching is how to make this scenario turn around!  Leah asks her mother "mom, please buy that candy!" Mom:  "that candy really does look yummy doesn't it?"  Leah "yes!  please buy it for me now!"  Mom;  "mommy isn't buying candy this time, is there something healthy that is also yummy you can choose instead?"  or she can say " Lets think of a different time we can buy that candy... maybe for a special treat on the weekend... etc"  Leah starts whining "but i really want it now!!!" (Mom)  "I know how you feel!  It is really hard when you see something that looks so delicious and you want it right away and you can't have it!"
Here, the mom validated her daugthers feelings, while teaching her that we cant always have what we want.  

Something that works wonders  is to give examples of how this same situation happens in our own lives!  For example "Yesterday, I passed by the bakery and I really wanted a doughnut so badly!   Since I know that eating a doughnut for lunch is not healthy lunch, , I chose not to buy it.  It was so so hard for mommy to see a yummy treat I wanted and not eat it right away!  Or something like - "when I was little and I used to go grocery shopping with my mom, I would see things that I really wanted.  Sometimes mom was able to buy them, and sometimes not.  It was hard for me when I couldn't get it, so I know how you feel!"
Try this, and see how a moment that a tantrum is about to start , can change into story time with mommy! Watch how their little eyes light up as you share stories of yourself and how you can relate to what they are feeling!


Example #2
David is so excited to go to the amusement park!  He waited all week to go, especially because of the boat ride!  The boat ride was his favorite.   When he arrived, David ran strait to the boat ride, only to find that the ride was broken!  David began to yell and scream! He even tried to hit his mom because of how angry he felt!"  I am not going on any other ride until this gets fixed! David yelled"  Mom looked at him getting upset herself, unsure of how to respond she said "David! you are being very silly! There are many other rides around here!  Either you can be a grump and have no fun, or you can go find another ride to go on and be happy! Also, you need to sit in a time-out for trying to hit your mom!"
Although Davids mom is trying to help him, she isn't teaching him how to deal with his frustration when seeing his excitement wouldn't become a reality.  David does not have the tools to know how to deal with this situation and needs help to learn!  This way left him feeling like no one cares about how he feels or what he wants!

Through understanding and validation, this same situation can be completely changed and turned around to become a learning experience!  David gets to his favorite ride and sees that it is closed. He bursts into tears and starts to have a tantrum. He also starts hitting his mom.  Mom picks him up, moves to a quiet place, sits him on his lap and hugs him. "David, I can see how disappointed you must feel! You waited all week for this specific ride and now it is closed!!! I can see that these sad feelings make you feel like hitting!  Since we know hitting is not ok,  (no matter how sad we feel!) , let's think of other ways we can let out our sad feelings. Can you think of any?  lets talk about some ideas of how we can do something else fun to make up for our disappointment!"  Sometimes, when given the options, children get excited to come up with their own solutions of how to make a unexpected situation work out better!

There are so many situations that come up every day similar to these.    If we calm down when our children start to get strong emotions, and think about how we can show them we hear, understand and validate them, we will be at a much better place to help them learn what to do with their emotions! We will be able to teach them life lessons through these situations and a moment that could have been a struggle or a meltdown, can have a much happier ending! :)