Help! It's "One Of Those Mornings"...

It was one of those mornings... Mommy went to sleep late and was exhausted.  The kids were acting up because when mom doesn't have patience, the kids feel it and do the opposite of what they are "suppose to do!"

That is exactly what type of  morning this one was.  As I was getting my three kids ready to head out to school,  my son wanted to wear his rain boots, even though it wasn't raining (which is not a big deal in a happy mood!) , my other son didn't want to wear his jacket even though it is freezing outside, and my daugther was all ready and waiting impatiently for her brothers to get ready so she wouldnt be late to school! By the time we got to the car, the kids were in tears saying the did not want to go to school.

There are times we don't  deal with situations as well as we would like to.  We might raise our voice,  not  validate our children, and make a stuation go a lot slower by being so impatient.  By the time we need our kids to do something, they are in tears, or having a tantrum!

Taking a few deep breaths, and stopping for a few moments to relax and talk with our children really helps calm everybody down!   Having a conversation like;  " do you know how you feel  cranky when you are tired?   Sometimes,  little things that are not really important bother people when they aren't in a good mood.   When mom doesn't sleep so well at night it makes her feel cranky too!  Even mommies work on the way they talk when they are feeling lousy.  We all  work on communicating nicely, no matter how old we are!"

 Showing our kids that we too have our moments and our struggles that we work to overcome helps them in thier negative moods.  It also allows them to express themselves when we hurt them without fear of us reprimanding them for it.  It makes it easier for them not to take our critism at those times so personally.  They may think "oh, I think mommy is feeling extra tired today."

After hugging each of my kids for a few moments and using this approach ("mommy is extra tired today, Im so sorry I let it out on you and raised my voice! Even mommies work on themselves to talk nicely when they feel cranky!")  the kids felt better and were ready to start their day on a happier note.   Yes, I feel a little bit guilty, but I try to remind myself that I can't be more the human!

When we show our kids we care about their feelings and are working towards a calmer happier home for them and us, the whole family can work towards that.   The message they will internalize is  that we are all human and have the choice to work on ourselves to change our natural responses into ones that we desire!  We can lead by example of how it is important to apologize when someone else is hurt because of our negative mood, no matter what the reason! 

Unconditional Love

Children need to know that nothing can affect our love for them.  That we will always love them no matter what.  We might not love a certain behavior, but that has nothing to do with our love for them as a person and our child!

There are many ways to show them this.  One is to be careful that we don’t use the terms “good boy” and “bad boy.”  They, as people (as well as all people) are always good at their core and deserve to be loved no matter what.  Even If they do something that really bothers us,  we can give them the feeling that their behavior  is not connected to the love we feel for them, which is unconditional!

When a child grabs a toy from another child instead of saying something like “bad boy,”  we can focus on the behavior and might say something like; “what can we do when we want something instead of grabbing?"  When One of our children is having a hard day some extra hugs and reminders of the love we feel for them can go along way in helping them get through it.

Another powerful tool for this concept is  teaching them to tap into their  Evil as well as their good inclination which we all have inside of us. It is helpful for a child to understand that it's normal and natural (and actually the way G-d created us!) to have two opposite “voices.”   One of them whispers,  "make  the right choice."  While the other  other tells  us to make a wrong choice.  Through understanding this concept, kids can learn to feel proud about overcoming an internal struggle.

Discussing a challenge  our children had and asking  open questions like “did you make the right choice?"  And "what can you do differently next time,” can help them understand themselves better and be motivated to come up with different solutions for the future.  Making an effort to notice when they are presented with a challenge, and act appropriately (especially when difficult),  helps them feel good about themselves. (For example, a child who usually hits when someone takes away his toy, and controls his hands using words instead... Or a child who does not feel like listening to a rule, but does so anyway. A child who has a hard time sharing with a friend but overcomes that and chooses to share..)

We are all human. We need to be careful not  to make our children feel like failures for being imperfect! Giving our children the understanding that only G-d is perfect, and we are meant to learn from our mistakes  is a healthy concept for them to understand.

After a tough day, a child can be reminded that every morning we have a fresh start to make different choices then they day before. Finding the positive things they do, (even if sometimes they are small) and making sure to mention them, shows them we care.  As long as they are trying and learning,  they are on the path to success! :)

Creating A Positive Bedtime Routine

From the moment we become a parent, it becomes clear that one thing will never be the same: sleep!  Getting everyone to sleep in an orderly, calm and peaceful fashion can seem very challenging!    There are ways however, to make bedtime a time that children and parents can look forward to and enjoy, rather than fight and resist with a power struggle.  Starting a bedtime routine before the kids are too tired is really important.  It can prevent tantrums and negativity from  starting all together!   Starting an hour before bedtime is helpful because it gives kids enough time after being in pajamas to still play and finish up their  activities  before they are too tired and have a harder time listening. 

Bath time

Having the same routine every night is a great way to help children prepare their bodies for sleep.   Starting  bedtime routine with a bath  has a calming effect and can also be a good time to connect.  It can be a good time for children to talk about their day,  while having fun in a relaxed way.  One idea to make bath time fun is to play tick tack toe and "guess what,"  where one child makes a picture and the other has to guess what it is with bath markers.  A bath can be replaced with another calming activity like drawing together, or sitting on the couch and reading a story if it is too challenging to give every night.

Brushing teeth

One way of making brushing teeth time fun can be to pretend that  mommy is the dentist:)    Counting each others teeth and seeing how wide each of you can open your mouth is fun for kids.   Singing the ABC's or a favorite song  can also help a resistant child be more willing to cooperate while getting their teeth brushed.

Getting Dressed

If a child has a hard time with putting on pj's,  playing the hockey poky is one way to make it fun!  When  all the kids need to get on pajamas at the same time, having a "pajama party"  can make it exciting! Each child can bring their pajamas into one room and play the hockey poky! ("you put your right hand in, you put your left hand in etc...)  

Bedtime Reminders

Being stopped abruptly while  doing something, can be frustrating for kids.   They like to have extra time to prepare for their activity to end.  Giving children a ten minute countdown (ten minutes, then five minutes then one minute) can help them have time to think of ending/putting away what they are doing.  It can also be a time to take a drink, eat a quick snack (if brushing teeth comes after).

Heading To Bed

Keeping in mind that we want to keep bedtime a positive experience, can help us choose positive words when it is time to get our children to bed.  Focusing on the fact that it will be time to spend together to catch up on our day, or make pictures for a few minutes on each others backs for example,  gets  kids eager to hop into bed!  Having a few minutes  of quality time in bed with our children at bedtime can help make it a time that they look forward to! 

Some children are afraid of the dark.  Others have a hard time falling asleep and get frustrated by it!   Giving them ideas of what to think about can help them ease into sleep because their mind is off of "falling asleep"  and thinking of something calm and happy. For example, thinking about a fun trip the family took and the different things they enjoyed on the trip.  Sometimes, just by them choosing something to think about, can motivate them to stay in bed and help them fall asleep faster.  

If Bedtime is a time when a parent can be there for a while to cuddle and talk with their child, the child will have a happier, safer feeling inside and will be less likely to act up.  If a parent is short on time, even just holding them for a few moments and saying some positive words can help a child feel happy and more willing to cooperate!  

A Deeper Look At "Acting Out"

My daughter came home from school one day and wouldn't stop whining. Everything was a big deal!  First, she was arguing with her siblings.   Next, she didn't like my dinner!  Her clothes were all ugly!  It was one thing after the next...

After dinner, her mood really escalated and she bit her brother.  I removed her from the room, brought her to a quiet place and said to her "you know that biting is never allowed!  People don't act out like this for no reason!  I want you to sit here and think about what is bothering you so that we can help you deal with your feelings in a more appropriate way."

A few minutes later, she burst into tears.  "Mommy, there is a group of girls in my class who  don't let anyone sit near them if they weren't in the same bunk with them at camp!  It makes me feel so sad and left out when they act like that!"  I held her for a while and we spoke about her behavior.  How she must have felt so sad that she wanted to express how she was feeling.  We spoke about that feeling of wanting to hit/bite/break things... and how when she gets that feeling, it's a good time to stop, and figure out what is bothering her inside!  We talked about how it is even OK to say "mommy, I feel like biting!  Or "I feel like yelling so loud I am so mad!"  But since we are never allowed to hurt others, we must find better ways of dealing with that feeling...  I also assured  her that I will be calling her teacher and we will figure out how to deal with the situation in the classroom.

I was so moved by what came next.  My daughter ran into my arms, looked at me with her big eyes open wide, "mommy I am so happy we figured out what was bothering me!  Thank you for taking such good care of me! Now I know why I was acting so cranky!!"

When a child is misbehaving it can be very helpful to think - what is going on here?  Why are they behaving like this?  Most important,  we can think about how we can help them learn to express themselves appropriately.

 If a child is acting out because they are tired, sad, hungry, angry, or because they don't know how to deal with an emotion they are feeling, punishing them for it wont result in better behavior, (at least not for the right reasons!)     Looking deeper into the heart and soul of our  child and working to figure out what is going on, can!   Finding more appropriate ways of expressing  negative emotions teaches children how to deal with  unpleasant feelings or emotions in a positive way!

I want to share  an example of how powerful the results of this approach can be!  My daughter was very upset at something that I had said to her.  She had a toy in her hand and was ready to throw it.  She then quickly ran into her room closed the door and stayed there for a while.  A few minutes later, she came to me and said "mommy, I felt like throwing because I was so mad at what you told me, but since I know that hurting isn't OK , I  quickly ran to my room to calm down so that I can be ready to use my words instead!

When I saw this, how a 5 year old (at the time)  is capable of  learning  such self control and emotional awareness,  I was inspired!

This way of thinking and dealing with situations might take a long time to work.  Just because We may not see results right away, and sometimes it can seem as if our efforts don't make a difference, this is not the case!  No effort goes to waste.  Even if some of our hard work may seem not to have an impact, it is going to be helpful to our childrens future success and emotional awareness!

Teaching Our children Through Validation

Leah Is shopping at the grocery store with her mother.  She spots candy that looks yummy that she has never tried before.  "Mommy, can we get that candy now?"  she asks.  "No!  We are not getting candy now!  stop whining or we will leave the store!"  Leah has a tantrum and mom is looking around embarrassed and unsure how to handle her "difficult"  child.
In this example, the mom ignored the feelings and emotions her child was going through and was abrupt with her no, which caused a tantrum.  Her daughter was left feeling like no one cares about what she wants!

How can we deal with a situation like this differently?  Validating and emotional coaching is how to make this scenario turn around!  Leah asks her mother "mom, please buy that candy!" Mom:  "that candy really does look yummy doesn't it?"  Leah "yes!  please buy it for me now!"  Mom;  "mommy isn't buying candy this time, is there something healthy that is also yummy you can choose instead?"  or she can say " Lets think of a different time we can buy that candy... maybe for a special treat on the weekend... etc"  Leah starts whining "but i really want it now!!!" (Mom)  "I know how you feel!  It is really hard when you see something that looks so delicious and you want it right away and you can't have it!"
Here, the mom validated her daugthers feelings, while teaching her that we cant always have what we want.  

Something that works wonders  is to give examples of how this same situation happens in our own lives!  For example "Yesterday, I passed by the bakery and I really wanted a doughnut so badly!   Since I know that eating a doughnut for lunch is not healthy lunch, , I chose not to buy it.  It was so so hard for mommy to see a yummy treat I wanted and not eat it right away!  Or something like - "when I was little and I used to go grocery shopping with my mom, I would see things that I really wanted.  Sometimes mom was able to buy them, and sometimes not.  It was hard for me when I couldn't get it, so I know how you feel!"
Try this, and see how a moment that a tantrum is about to start , can change into story time with mommy! Watch how their little eyes light up as you share stories of yourself and how you can relate to what they are feeling!


Example #2
David is so excited to go to the amusement park!  He waited all week to go, especially because of the boat ride!  The boat ride was his favorite.   When he arrived, David ran strait to the boat ride, only to find that the ride was broken!  David began to yell and scream! He even tried to hit his mom because of how angry he felt!"  I am not going on any other ride until this gets fixed! David yelled"  Mom looked at him getting upset herself, unsure of how to respond she said "David! you are being very silly! There are many other rides around here!  Either you can be a grump and have no fun, or you can go find another ride to go on and be happy! Also, you need to sit in a time-out for trying to hit your mom!"
Although Davids mom is trying to help him, she isn't teaching him how to deal with his frustration when seeing his excitement wouldn't become a reality.  David does not have the tools to know how to deal with this situation and needs help to learn!  This way left him feeling like no one cares about how he feels or what he wants!

Through understanding and validation, this same situation can be completely changed and turned around to become a learning experience!  David gets to his favorite ride and sees that it is closed. He bursts into tears and starts to have a tantrum. He also starts hitting his mom.  Mom picks him up, moves to a quiet place, sits him on his lap and hugs him. "David, I can see how disappointed you must feel! You waited all week for this specific ride and now it is closed!!! I can see that these sad feelings make you feel like hitting!  Since we know hitting is not ok,  (no matter how sad we feel!) , let's think of other ways we can let out our sad feelings. Can you think of any?  lets talk about some ideas of how we can do something else fun to make up for our disappointment!"  Sometimes, when given the options, children get excited to come up with their own solutions of how to make a unexpected situation work out better!

There are so many situations that come up every day similar to these.    If we calm down when our children start to get strong emotions, and think about how we can show them we hear, understand and validate them, we will be at a much better place to help them learn what to do with their emotions! We will be able to teach them life lessons through these situations and a moment that could have been a struggle or a meltdown, can have a much happier ending! :)

Creating Miracles

When something in the world happens that is out of the ordinary and different then what normally happens, it is called a miracle.    The whole miracle of the splitting of the sea was that the  water went against its nature!   The nature of water is to flow, but this time, the water stood up creating a wall.

We all have the power to create our own miracles!  Every single time we go against our nature, and make a change for the positive it is a miracle.  For example, if a mothers natural instinct is to yell when the children aren't meeting an expectation, and she takes a few minutes to breath and react calmly instead, this is a MIRACLE!

Working on ourselves, and transforming small interactions as they come up, may seem like  no big deal.  But that struggle, (to yell or to speak calmly, to punish out of anger or to talk things out later with patience, to find ways to motivate  proper behavior rather then criticize, to spend those few extra minutes cuddling at bed time and listening to what is on our child's mind...)  these small things make a HUGE difference to a child!

Our kids notice everything. They notice our moods, and our behaviors.  When a child observes a parent change their initial negative reaction to a positive one ,  it shows them they can  do the same!  Every time we change a moment that could have been a negative one into a positive one, it is a huge victory!  We sometimes need to stop and pat ourselves on the back for these internal victories!

"Staying Positive" Guidelines

Our guest blogger today is Pam Machefsky, an Early Childhood Educator, parent educator, and mentor for new teachers for 35 years.

Welcome, readers, to the Positive Parents Place--an ideal setting for parents to learn and share. Here are some guidelines which can make Rivkie's "staying positive" techniques more effective for you and your family:

• Have goals for your children and your family. Ask yourself, "What do I/we want for my/our children?" In a two-parent family, both parents should agree on the goals and be prepared to achieve them.This requires frequent communication between parents!
• Make age-appropriate requests of your children. Do not expect your two year-old to dress himself--it's not age-appropriate. This requires some reading of child development books (if you are unsure what is appropriate) or lots of talking to friends with children!
• Make clear and concise requests of your children. Keep instructions simple, using familiar words. This requires patiently talking to your children a lot!
• Make consistent requests of your children. Do not change rules or allow your children to avoid expectations because it's easier for you. This requires a lot of determination!
• Model behavior which you want to see in your children. For example, do not forbid your children to snack in the car when you know YOU snack in the car. This requires a lot of will-power!

When followed regularly, these five guidelines can give real support to challenging moments and will provide a foundation for "staying positive." Look for more discussions about the above underlined topics, here at The Positive Parents' Place.

Finding The Time to Stay Fit

Being a mom and finding time to work out can be very challenging!  There are so many benefits to exercise, that finding that time to make it happen can really affect ones whole day in a positive way.  Some of the benefits of exercise include :  weight control, helps fight health conditions and disease,  Improved mood, boost of energy, and best of all helps you sleep better!  

I like to workout at 6am, because I know that I will have no excuse later that I am "too tired"  or "didn't have time."  It is a time that we agreed as a family that if my children wake up while I am working out, they can go to my husband for whatever they need and play games without interrupting my workout time.  Not only does it work out so well, I also feel my kids are getting the message that moms also need time to themselves! Setting times to do things that make us happy, can help us have more energy when we are with our children!

One way to make working out part of our busy lives is to sit down and really figure out the best time of the day that everyone agrees will be moms workout time.  If it is a time that the kids are home,  everyone in the family  knows mom is working out and dad (or someone else) is in charge.
 Exercise should be fun!  If you are doing something you hate, it wont last too long, so finding something that keeps you moving, but is still enjoyable is key to staying successful.  Even just turning up the music and dancing will burn calories and get your mood up!

Being a parent is hard work!  The good news is that it's supposed to be that way!  I believe G-d gave us children (and husbands  ) in order to "force"  us to work on ourselves if we want to be successful.  If not for children and marriage,  what would push us to change and grow?   When we realize this is the way it's meant to be,  it can help us relax and be able to really tap into our children and figure out ways that can work to help bring out the best in them!  Realizing that it's NORMAL for things to be tough.  It's NORMAL that we don't always know how to deal with every situation! 

   

A friend of mine once told me "I feel like such a horrible parent!" "I don't know how to deal with my children's behavior so we have to go speak to a professional."  She was really embarrassed about this.  I feel its the exact opposite! OF course we don't know everything when it comes to dealing with our children!  We didn't go to school to become parents... we weren't born knowing how to deal with every situation!  As long as we realize that it is in our ability to find solutions, ones that can work, and reach each child to help them bring out the best in them!  we can find those ways  and work towards bringing out the best in each one of our children.