Emotional Awareness For Parents And Children

Part of emotional health is understanding the roots of our own emotions.  Many of the things that bother us today have thier source in negative childhood experiences.   Finding  ways to reframe those experiences,  may help us confront similar situations in a more productive pleasant manner.


When a situation frustrates you, taking a moment to listen to your thoughts, can help redirect a negative thought process to a more positive one.  For example, say a well-meaning  yet ill-equipped teacher used to call you a "disorganized mess" every time you couldn't find your homework.   Instead of hearing the words "you are a mess" in your mind every time you leave something out, you can tell yourself  I am only human!  I am working on becoming more organized and trying my best.


 Thinking positive thoughts about yourself will eventually become a habit.  The more you tap into  your thought patterns, the more you will notice the tension and anxiety that are caused by your negative self-talk.  If you burn the soup  and feel bad about it,  you may be saying to yourself;  whats wrong with me, I'm so careless!  Instead, you can train your mind to be accepting and forgiving of your own mistakes;  I'm human, everybody makes mistakes. what's the worst thing that can happen?  


A mother who recognizes her own emotional needs is in a better position to meet the emotional needs of her children.  We all have negative emotions; we just need to learn to deal with them without letting them control us.  Children don't have the tools and the emotional awareness to understand what they are feeling and why.  A mother can tell her child "when I feel like screaming I count to ten and take deep breaths."  This teaches her child an invaluable lesson in how to manage her/his own moods! A  mom might  realize  that when shes hungry, she tends to get agitated and doesn't have the patience to listen to her children.  Instead of trying to suppress  her own hunger and then lashing out, she can tell her child;  "When I am very hungry, it  is hard for me to listen to you because I feel cranky.  After I eat, I will be able to give you my full attention because I will feel better."


One who is self aware is more equipped to take care of herself and her needs, thus effectively helps her children learn to do the same.

Those Eyes Say A Lot

~ When I am talking and you bend down to my level to look me in the eye as you  listen, I feel cherished.

~ When I see you watching me as I try to climb the monkey bars, I feel encouraged.

~ When I do the right thing and you look at me with smiling eyes,  I feel noticed.

~ When you listen to my worries with acceptance in your eyes, I feel calmed.

~ When I see the confidence in your eyes as you tell me I can do anything if I try my best, I feel confident.


~ When I am afraid of something that some may think of as silly, but see that in your eyes it's OK, I feel accepted.


~ When you look into my eyes and tell me I am special, I feel loved.

Want To Lose Weight? You Can Do It!

"I want to lose twenty pounds in two weeks,"  "I need to fit into a dress that is three sizes smaller then I am now by next month,"  are things we might feel while trying to lose weight.  We think that if we don't get results quickly, or  don't fit into a size four in a short amount of time, we have failed.  Losing weight takes time and patience both mentally and physically.  Here are a few thoughts that may help you stay motivated and feeling good during the weight loss process:


1) Change takes time!

Think about a four mile hike.  You don't get there after taking four steps!  Each little step you take gets you closer to the finish line.   Even if you get tired along the way and sit down to rest, you can still pick yourself  up and continue until you have completed the hike. The same is true with losing weight.  Every single choice we make has a big effect over time!  Even if you don't see big results right away,  if you continue to try, you are  getting closer to your goal.


2) Get to know what makes you feel good:

The more you tell yourself  you can't  have something, the more you crave it.  Focusing on what makes you feel good and what your body wants instead of what you "shouldn't have," can really help.  When you are in tune with your body, you learn when you really want a piece of chocolate, and when you just "want it" because you are in the habit of thinking you can't have it.   When you eat because of fear or guilt, you feel bad.  When you eat based on what you really want,  you feel good afterwards.  You are also less likely to overdo it because you won't feel deprived.


3) Never give up!

We all have our moments and our weaknesses. That's part of the process.  Thinking about what can be learned when we don't do as well as we had wanted, is a valuable tool to staying positive.  It switches focus from feelings of guilt and failure, to feelings of hope and motivation.  Instead of calling it a  "bad day," it can be a learning experience.  Picture yourself as you want yourself to be.  Believe  that you will get there and you will!!! :)

Teaching Children Through Role Play

Role playing can be useful in many situations.  For example, how to react when someone new greets you, what to say to someone when you are not in the mood of talking to them (yet be polite), and how to approach a new classmate.  Role playing can also be useful in a situation where a child is being bullied, having a hard time communicating properly with a sibling, or having a hard time asking an adult for something in a respectful way.

Example 1:  Shira has a friend Simi  who is controlling and manipulative.   She constantly tells her things like "if you don't listen to me and do what I want to do, I will not be your friend,"   or "if you talk to another girl, I will not talk to you."  Shira has a  hard time with this and does not know how how to deal with this type of situation.   
role play with mom acting as Shira's friend:
Mom: "You must come color with me right now!"
Shira: "I dont want to, I am in the middle of playing ball"
Mom: "If you do not come color with me, I will not be your friend!"
Shira: "Although I like you a lot,  I am playing ball right now. If you don't want to be my friend, I will find a new friend."
Shira's mom explained to her what it means to be manipulated. Through role playing, she was able to give Shira tools to deal with a manipulative friend situation.

Example 2: Benny came home from school in tears. His classmates didn't like his new pair of shoes and told him so.  Although Benny liked his new shoes, he felt embarassed to wear them again and was afraid of being made fun of.  
Role Play:
Mom:  "Benny, Those shoes are so ugly!  They look like old man shoes."
Benny: "I am wearing them because I like them! If you dont like them, you dont have to wear them!"
Mom: "But you look so silly in them!"
Benny:  "Telling someone that something is ugly is not nice! If you don't like what I am wearing think it in your head, but please dont tell me about it."
Benny's mom taught him how everyone has different taste. What matters is that WE like what we wear. Even if one person thinks something is beautiful someone else might think it's ugly because everyone has a different style!  She also taught him how some kids do not realize that its not nice to tell others everything they think.  It is something they need to learn.

Example 3:  Sarah's mom asked her to clean her room.  She was in middle of playing a game and ignored her moms request.  When Sarah's mom asked her again, Sarah answered "Cant you see I'm in the middle of playing this game?!"   
Role Play:
Mom: "Sarah, Please go clean your room"
Sarah: "Mom, Is it ok if I clean my room when I am finished playing this game?"

Role playing should not be forced but if it is done in an encouraging fun way,  it can help children learn and give them tools to deal with many situations. Through positive feedback and practice, they can learn to see a different perspective and have a greater confidence in knowing how to react.

Punishment VS Discipline

Our guest blogger today is Pam Machefsky, Early Childhood Educator:


Has this ever happened to you? You're in a rush, you've got to get out of the house in 10 minutes, you turn on your blow-dryer, it starts acting funny, so you give it a little tap on the sink. You know you shouldn't hit it, but maybe it will work with just another tap. It does--briefly. Then it stops completely. Now, has this scenario ever happened to you? Your child starts "acting funny" in the grocery store, so you threaten to give him a "little tap". You know you shouldn't, but maybe it will get your child to behave. Briefly.


When we find ourselves trying to control our children with threats--or with actual hitting--we should step back and ask, "Am I punishing my child? Do I want to punish my child, or do I want to discipline my child?" There is a big difference between punishment and discipline: the lesson that the child learns. 


If you are a frequent reader of this blog (as I am), then you know that Positive Parenting is about helping children learn and grow through positive examples, thoughtful conversations, and lots of love and hugs. When a parent hits a child as "punishment" for undesired behavior, the child remembers one lesson: it's okay to hit. Well, it must be okay to hit because Mommy or Daddy just did it! And that's actually the problem will ALL punishments--they teach the wrong lesson. Punishments are externally imposed on a child, often bearing no relationship to the undesired behavior, often imposed to make things easier for the adult in charge. (Think of any school "punishments" you may have received!) "But this child did something wrong! This child needs to be punished! Are you saying that children shouldn't be punished?"


Yes, I'm saying that children should be disciplined, not punished. There must be consequences for behaviors--positive and negative--and the negative ones need discipline. Discipline takes time--at least a minute longer than punishment! Discipline requires the parent to judge the situation calmly("Oh, dear, you've thrown your blocks all over the room"), talk to the child about desired behavior,("We should pick them up now so you can play with them another time") and then move the child into the desired behavior, either with words or with actions or both ("Come on, let's put all these blocks into the basket--who wants to go first?"). And don't try to punish your child with idle threats: "If you don't pick up these blocks right now, I'm going to throw them in the garbage!" Your child is far too smart for that to work!!!!


Discipline's goal is to teach the child inner controls learned from good examples (hence, the meaning of the word "disciple," one who follows). Isn't that what the Positive Parent wants children to learn? Of course it is!

"Don't Make Me Angry!"

“I feel sad when you get bad grades”    “It makes me angry when you forget to make your bed." “You’d better behave. You don’t want your father to get really upset and yell at you.”


Statements like these, give our children to message that they are responsible for our emotions.  It also can instill co-dependent behavior, making them think that what they do or say can make or break someone else's happiness and life choices when in fact, we are all responsible for our own feelings and behaviors, no matter what others do or say!


Learning to have and express our feelings without making other people responsible for them is a challenge.  Something to think about  when dealing with our children, is that we have the choice to learn to remain calm,  and learn better techniques in how to deal with stressful situations without yelling, hitting, or criticizing them.  If we find ourselves feeling out of control because of  strong emotions that is something we need to figure out and work on... not our child's responsibility.  after all we tell our children "no one can make you do anything! you need to choose what is right regardless of what others do and say."


we can replace comments like  "you are making me very angry" with something like "This behavior is not OK, we need to talk about this."   Or, "don't make me yell at you"  with something like   "I need to go calm down before I deal with this issue."  


Learning to take control of our own emotions and actions regardless of what others do and say is crucial for a healthy self esteem. By taking responsibility for our  own shortcomings and outbursts, and working on them internally, we can help our children to do the same for their own behavior and mistakes.