"Why Won't They Just Listen!?"

Instead of listening to their parents, many children will either ignore a request, walk away, talk back, or "give the silent treatment." This leaves parents feeling tired, frustrated, upset and at times at their wits end! It is natural to feel like yelling or punishing our kids when they just won't listen!! Shouldn't they do as they are told? What else is there to do? Here are a few things to keep in mind that may help your child follow your directions with less opposition:

1) Build  A Strong Relationship:

Showing interest in your child's life by asking questions, playing games with him/her or going on outings to kid-friendly places are great ways to spend positive time together. Making an effort to really listen without judgement or criticism helps strengthen that bond between you, which motivates your child to listen to you and have an easier time cooperating. Every child wants to feel close to their parents. When a big part of your relationship is showing an interest in your child's life, apart from telling your child what to do, it is easier to get the results you want at times when he/she needs to do things he/she doesn't want to do just because you asked or because it is "the rule."

2) Ask Your Child For Ideas That Can Help Him/Her Succeed:

If your child is having a hard time listening to any given task -- for example, going to bed, doing homework, or getting dressed in the morning; stating what needs to be done and asking the child for his/her suggestions can help him/her come up with solutions. Questions like "what can help you get dressed in the morning right away?"  Or - "Is there something you can think of that will help you stay in bed?" (soft music, an extra story, a small light, a stuffed animal, a sticker chart are some ideas.) Including children in this decision-making process is very empowering to them, and gives them a sense of self-mastery, which is an extremely important part of their development. After all, when children act out, isn't it just a clumsy attempt at asserting themselves?  Getting "buy-in" from your child in creating clear, safe limits is a way to set those limits while at the same time providing them with what they are seeking to begin with: a sense of control in what can otherwise seem to be a chaotic, uncontrollable world.

3) Give Instructions Without Anger:
The tone of voice we use can effect how our kids listen to us. It is important that we use a calm voice when asking our kids to do things or helping them refocus when they are not doing the right thing. Instead of putting them down and asking questions that cause them to get defensive like; "Why are you throwing that ball in the living room?! How many times do I have to tell you...!?" We can ask questions that help them refocus -- for example, "Where is a better place to play ball?" Or, "If you would like to play ball, show me you know where to play it." This helps children listen because they don't feel attacked, and thus there is no need to get defensive.

4) Prevent Negative Situations Before They Begin:

Many negative behaviors can be prevented when we know the cause. Tantrums because of hunger, lashing out because of tiredness, and not listening because of confusion of rules are examples of these. Below are a few ways to prevent negative situations from the start:

~  If you know your child is cranky and hungry after school, having snacks and water  ready when he/she gets home, or bringing them to school at pick-up time for your child to eat and drink right away can help avoid problems later.

~  If your child is really tired and it is causing him/her to have a hard time listening, getting your child to sleep earlier can help!  If that is not an option or he/she is just cranky after a long day before bed time, you can begin preparing your child for bed much before he/she gets too tired to listen. That way, bath time or pajama time won't be such a struggle. It is very hard for kids (as well as adults!) to follow rules calmly when they are exhausted. 
~  Prepare your child in advance of what the rules are and what you expect. For example -- "we are going to go to the park but a few things need to happen in order for us to go." "I need you to come as soon as I tell you it is time to leave, even if you don't want to."  "Who is ready to do that?" "I will warn you when there is five minutes left and that means it's time to start getting ready to leave." Preparing children for the schedule and reminding them what you expect helps them listen better then abruptly telling them what is expected while they are involved in something else.

The most important thing to remember is that our children are not robots. They are human beings with moods, feelings, and personalities, just like all of us! By paying attention to what we can do differently when things aren't going right, rather than focusing on "this behavior is bad," we will more often be able to avoid the tantrums and power struggles, and we'll have a clearer and more direct way of reaching our child, with less stress - and more fun.

Helping Kids Develop A Healthy Attitude Towards Food:

                                          

Giving our children proper food messages can help them learn positive eating habits as well as have a healthy body image when they are older. If we put thought into the way we introduce food, plan our meals, and discuss food around our children, we can create understanding of, and  positive feelings towards eating properly - without power struggles.

Explain the benefits of healthy foods:

When serving meals, explaining the different food groups and why they are important can educate our kids about why certain foods are good for us and how. For example, meat, fish, and other protein sources contain iron and are good for your blood and bones, fruits have lots of vitamins that our bodies need and want, and vegetables have fiber and lots of other nutrients which can prevent disease. When our bodies are well fed, we feel better, happier and  more energetic.

Trying new things is brave! 

Making a big deal about trying new things can help motivate kids to do so. Sharing personal situations of times you thought you wouldn't like something and then tasted it - and liked it - may help them want to try new things as well. When children aren't forced to eat something they don't like, they will be more willing to give new foods a chance.

Involve the children in making a menu:

Sitting down with your picky eaters and having them choose options for dinner can encourage them to eat more of it.  Including their ideas (even if they are not typical) may help them be more likely to eat at meal times.

Everything in moderation:

Instead of telling kids that "treats are bad for you," "make you fat," or “are poison," you can explain to them the concept of moderation. There are some foods that are good for us that we can eat a lot of, and other foods that taste yummy, but don't have nutritional value. The second type are foods we can enjoy only in small amounts because they are not healthy for our bodies. When children are aware of this concept, and are allowed candies and treats in moderation, they are much less likely to binge, or be "the child who begs other children for their candy at school."  Knowing why it is better to eat certain foods in moderation -  not because "mommy is mean and doesn't let us," but rather, because "I care about my body and want to keep it healthy" - will give them a positive message about food that they can carry with them into adulthood.

Not Using Food as a Reward or Punishment:

When food is given as a reward or taken away as a punishment, it can lead to emotional eating.  Food is not a friend, nor an enemy - it is there for when we are hungry. Using treats as a punishment or reward can lead to adults who eat when they are upset or reward themselves with a pizza pie after a hard day -- not a healthy outlook!

Model Healthy Eating:

Lastly, but perhaps most importantly: we can't model a healthy approach to eating for our children if we ourselves have an emotional relationship with food! Taking a good look at your own relationship with eating helps: do you eat when you're sad/bored/lonely? How was food and mealtime approached when you were a child, and how might that impact you and your eating habits today? Taking the time and energy for some reflection in this area may give us the needed insight to have a healthier, more detached approach to helping our kids develop normal, healthy eating habits. The less negative attention we give to food, the more positive, happy, and educational we can make our mealtimes. We'll be healthier role models for our children, and will start them on a

positive path toward having a healthy relationship with food!