While It is important for our children to make amends when they do something wrong, commanding them to say the words "I'm sorry" - or similarly "I forgive you" when someone apologizes to them - is not the way to teach empathy. Think about it: as an adult, how would you feel if the minute you do or say something wrong to someone, another person comes at you and demands that you apologize! So what can we do? Is there a way we can we teach kids to say they're sorry... and mean it? It helps if we clarify the lesson that we want to teach our children.
Our ultimate goal is not for our kids to say the word “sorry.” We want them to show that they are truly sorry for what they have done. We want to help them repair the damage they have inflicted onto others. We want them to recognize that saying they’re sorry means that they regret what they have done because they have hurt another human being.
Grown-ups, not just children, tend to believe their own experience of reality is the true one, that they are generally justified in their actions. If we let kids off the hook by having them spit out words they don’t mean, we are encouraging them to lie, and missing a golden opportunity to teach empathy. A child might say "I'm soooorrrrry" in a silly tone, or if he's scared of punishment he might say it as if he means it without really caring about the other person or learning a lesson from what happened. At this point, unfortunately, the scenario has become more of a power struggle than a learning experience.
So how can we teach our children to a) feel bad when they do something wrong and b) ultimately to apologize?
1) Model the behavior you want to see. If children see their parents apologizing sincerely when they have done wrong, they will learn to do the same!
2) Give your child the tools to figure it out himself. If you simply correct, you are undermining your child's ability to develop his own solution, and to build important self-esteem. Asking questions that make the child think about his behavior like "How do you think the other child is feeling?" and "What can you do to help?" provides a "cue" that won't upstage his own insights and efforts. Making sure your child has the "space" to look around and internalize the fact that he's done something to hurt someone else is important. You might be pleasantly surprised at how many times he will go over and apologize sincerely on his own!
3) Talk about the future: encouraging your child to think of better ways of behaving in the future (for example saying "excuse me" instead of pushing) helps a child learn to think of others' needs in addition to his own. Talking about better ways to make amends when a child has wronged someone else can help instill a child with the ability to handle a mistake in the future.
While saying sorry is certainly important, teaching our children to care and feel for others, by helping them find ways to make honest amends, should be our ultimate goal and focus.
