Taking the Emotional Reins:

Dealing with “negative” emotions is hard! Some fear that not all of the feelings within the range of the human experience are appropriate or OK.  On the contrary - feelings are normal and tell us that our hearts are alive and well. That being said, it is how we react to and what we do about these feelings that is the key to emotional awareness and control.  

It is sometimes easier to pretend an issue or feeling doesn't exist and just "move on” or try to "be happy anyway" than to actually face the underlying issue and deal with it. Ignoring the more unpleasant feelings – such as sadness or anger - doesn't make them go away, rather, it causes these emotions to come out at times we don't anticipate.  It is in these moments that they seem to take control over us.  Some examples of this may be yelling at our children, getting annoyed at a spouse for minor details, or frequently feeling tired and depressed.   It is becoming more and more widely accepted that pushing aside your emotions may even cause problems with physical health. 

“Negative” feelings are certainly unpleasant, but they are deeper than just a pain in the neck (although they can cause those too…): they are usually a signal, sent up by your subconscious, that something needs to change.  How?  The first step is figuring out what it is that is really bothering you…

1)Accept your feelings and take the time to pinpoint the issue:

It is not always easy to understand a feeling when it arises, especially if you think you shouldn't feel it.  It can be scary, but the first thing to do is to let go of “should”.  Judging your emotions throws up a psychic road-block and makes it fairly impossible to access them. Once you remove the added burden of judgment, you will begin to see the feelings more clearly.  Remember that no feeling is bad in and of itself. Any and all of your feelings are acceptable, it is what we choose to do with them and how we channel them that is important.

With the new clarity you gain from ceasing to judge your emotions, it will be easier to try to pinpoint exactly what you feel and then begin to reflect on what might be the cause. Where are the feelings coming from? Are they being churned up by our thoughts alone, or by actual events: did something just happen to trigger a feeling that bothered us as a child? For example, did someone say something inappropriate or offensive to you, and you then found yourself not standing up for yourself? Stopping to think about what brought on the specific feeling is the first step to dealing with it. This may take a lot of time and effort at first, but once you get to know your feelings and where they come from, and once you become more familiar with your own thought process, identifying and understanding the feeling will become a lot easier.  

Almost like magic, knowing where the feeling came from and even simply acknowledging your feeling seems to disarm the feeling and take away its ability to take control of you.  It’s as if your feeling can then say "OK, thanks for noticing me, now you don't need to take me out on others (or on yourself by overeating, going on the computer, or some other behavior to avoid the feeling).”  What a relief!

2) Figure out what you want:

Now that you know what it is that’s bothering you… what do you want?  Do you want to feel… calm?  Happy? More energetic?  It may seem obvious that one would want to feel just the opposite of how one is feeling, but it is important to clearly see and state your goals for your feelings in order to replace the “negative” thoughts and feelings with positive ones.  If you want to create a new route, you must take away the old road, but you must also build a new road. Clearly stating your goals gives you the construction plan for this new road.  

3) Take an active role in achieving your goal:

Once you have pinpointed the feeling through raising your awareness and decreasing judgment of your “negative” emotion, and once you have identified your goals for how you want to feel, stop and think: "What do I need to do to feel better?"  Thinking about what we can actually do to help ourselves shifts the focus from dwelling in our feelings to dealing with them in a positive way.  You may come to realize an apology (whether to or from you) would be the only thing that would truly clear the air; perhaps calling a trusted friend to “vent” is all that is needed, or taking a walk to calm down. Sometimes it is a passing feeling, or just a fleeting reminder of something negative that may have happened in the past, and you are the only one who knows if you can weather these passing storms of feeling alone or whether it is time to make an appointment with a therapist.  This brings us to our last point:

4) Make taking care of yourself a priority:

When we are feeling good, it is easier to deal with our emotions within the right frame of mind. Trying to get enough sleep, eating foods that make us feel energized, and getting exercise can help bring out the best in a person. Showing our children that we take care of ourselves both physically and emotionally is the best way for them to learn to do the same.  Saying something to your children in a difficult moment like "Mom is feeling sad.  I need to go think about what is bothering me so that I can feel better and deal with it appropriately," can teach kids to do the same. 

We are all human beings, filled with all kinds of emotions.   Taking control as well as gaining the upper hand  takes discipline and practice, and like anything  that we are just beginning to work at, it will seem difficult at first. Being kind and patient with yourself helps.  The art of "getting to know yourself," will get easier and easier which will lead to a sense of mastery and empowerment! :)

The Power Of Attitude

Having a positive attitude brings optimism into our lives and makes it easier to avoid worry and negative thinking. A positive attitude helps one see the bright side of any given situation and  cope with the stresses of life more effectively.

Developing a positive attitude towards our children and the stages they go through helps us  look toward each stage with a better frame of mind, hoping for the best instead of the worst. For example, when a parent of a new baby is told "Just wait until your child starts to crawl!"  or "Oh boy, you don't want to know what it will be like when that baby starts to talk,!" that parent is hearing a negative attitude. Why shouldn't we look toward the future with hope and excitement? Our thoughts create our reality. For example, thoughts such as "this child is born to be stubborn," may lead to a negative attitude toward that child's stubbornness, which can stop us from having the patience to spend time teaching that child how to cooperate. 

"Just wait until they are older, they won't like many things you did as a parent!" This way of thinking is not conducive to a positive attitude.  It may make a person feel like not trying their best. What we can realize is that no relationship is perfect! We don't love everything our spouse, friends or our coworkers do. Even our best friends may do things that  irritate us. It is communication and understanding as well as apologizing when necessary, that make our relationships strong. Our kids feel our intentions and most of all, our attitude. It is important that our children feel free to share their feelings, both positive and negative, without being judged. Having open, loving communication, keeps the relationship strong so that one day when our children come tell us the things they "didn't like," that strong bond of trust and understanding that has been built has a greater chance of staying intact, regardless of mistakes made.

"Just wait till you have teens," is something that a young mother may hear. Choosing to think "I hope to deal with each stage as it comes as best as I can,  and if I don't know how, I will reach out for help," will lead to a more positive outlook on going through the stages as they come and help us to parent to the best of our abilities. Attitude is a choice! Let us  choose to look toward the future through positive eyes!

Toilet Learning: Ready Or Not?

By Pam Machefsky,  an Early Childhood Educator, parent educator, and mentor for new teachers for 35 years.


If you're a  parent whose child is giving you some signals that he/she is ready for using the toilet, I have some suggestions drawn from both personal experience and from 35 years in the Early Childhood field. Allow me to share!


1. The term 'toilet training' is generally not used in educational circles these days. Using the phrase 'toilet learning' or 'potty learning' gives a much more accurate description of what the child is doing.



2.  There is NO 'right' age for toilet learning; it is an extremely individual process.  I always felt sad and indignant for parents who told me that their child was rejected from a nursery school because he/she was not yet toilet ready. Setting a date for when children MUST be using the toilet is completely artificial and even goes against one's natural needs. If you apply to a nursery school that demands 'toilet learned by a certain date' as an entrance requirement, the National Association for the Education of Young Children (N.A.E.Y.C.) advises against choosing that school for your child.


3. Knowing that there is no correct age for toilet learning, what does a parent do? Happily, there are signs that your child is ready. (Just as you know that your baby can eat certain foods once they have teeth, there are signs for this potty-ready stage in life also!) First of all, is your child eager for mastery in other areas of his/her life? Wants to pick out his foods, her clothes, wants to try new experiences? This is a sign of a child getting ready! Then look for a child who might hide behind a chair (or go to a "private place") when she needs to make a bowel movement in her diaper. This child understands that something is happening in her body, and she feels like she wants a quiet or private place for this to happen. Another signal is a child who wants his diaper off as soon as it's wet; he doesn't like that uncomfortable dampness anymore. (And no matter how much the diaper manufacturers tell you that their diaper stays dryer--it does feel wet!) Another signal is a lot of curiosity about the bathroom and the toilet. 


4. When you sense that your child is ready, you'll have a few questions.(a) How do I start? Pick a week-end or some other day or two when your family schedule is not full. (Good luck with that!) Know that you'll be changing a lot of underpants at first. Have lots of new underwear on hand and have a small potty/seat cover in the bathroom. (b) Which small toilet do you choose for your home toilet learning? Some children prefer to have their feet on the floor, so a small potty which sits on the floor is best for them (although is is more work for the parent--another toilet to clean!) Other kids like the idea of being on the "big potty", so a small seat which fits over the big toilet is ideal for them. There are many portable seat covers available today, so you can easily pack one in a bag for when you go out. (c) Do you use "pull-ups" during this time? Generally, I would say do not use pull-ups in the daytime--they really are just diapers with elastic waists! One of the 'perks' of learning is the thrill of  getting to wear 'big girl' or 'big boy' underpants. If your child is wetting/soiling more than 4 pairs in 8 hours (with cues from you), then he or she may not be ready yet. (d) How do I cue my child? "It's time to go to the bathroom," is a good reminder.  If your child is reluctant to stop what they are doing to go to the bathroom, remind him that you are proud that he's going  and you want to help him keep his special new underwear dry. 


5. Relax! The most important thing to remember is to remain calm and keep a positive demeanor when experiencing the challenges that may come with toilet learning.  Keeping in mind that every child gets there sooner or later - when he/she is ready - can help.  Your child is taking a giant step toward independence! Congrats!

"Why Won't They Just Listen!?"

Instead of listening to their parents, many children will either ignore a request, walk away, talk back, or "give the silent treatment." This leaves parents feeling tired, frustrated, upset and at times at their wits end! It is natural to feel like yelling or punishing our kids when they just won't listen!! Shouldn't they do as they are told? What else is there to do? Here are a few things to keep in mind that may help your child follow your directions with less opposition:

1) Build  A Strong Relationship:

Showing interest in your child's life by asking questions, playing games with him/her or going on outings to kid-friendly places are great ways to spend positive time together. Making an effort to really listen without judgement or criticism helps strengthen that bond between you, which motivates your child to listen to you and have an easier time cooperating. Every child wants to feel close to their parents. When a big part of your relationship is showing an interest in your child's life, apart from telling your child what to do, it is easier to get the results you want at times when he/she needs to do things he/she doesn't want to do just because you asked or because it is "the rule."

2) Ask Your Child For Ideas That Can Help Him/Her Succeed:

If your child is having a hard time listening to any given task -- for example, going to bed, doing homework, or getting dressed in the morning; stating what needs to be done and asking the child for his/her suggestions can help him/her come up with solutions. Questions like "what can help you get dressed in the morning right away?"  Or - "Is there something you can think of that will help you stay in bed?" (soft music, an extra story, a small light, a stuffed animal, a sticker chart are some ideas.) Including children in this decision-making process is very empowering to them, and gives them a sense of self-mastery, which is an extremely important part of their development. After all, when children act out, isn't it just a clumsy attempt at asserting themselves?  Getting "buy-in" from your child in creating clear, safe limits is a way to set those limits while at the same time providing them with what they are seeking to begin with: a sense of control in what can otherwise seem to be a chaotic, uncontrollable world.

3) Give Instructions Without Anger:
The tone of voice we use can effect how our kids listen to us. It is important that we use a calm voice when asking our kids to do things or helping them refocus when they are not doing the right thing. Instead of putting them down and asking questions that cause them to get defensive like; "Why are you throwing that ball in the living room?! How many times do I have to tell you...!?" We can ask questions that help them refocus -- for example, "Where is a better place to play ball?" Or, "If you would like to play ball, show me you know where to play it." This helps children listen because they don't feel attacked, and thus there is no need to get defensive.

4) Prevent Negative Situations Before They Begin:

Many negative behaviors can be prevented when we know the cause. Tantrums because of hunger, lashing out because of tiredness, and not listening because of confusion of rules are examples of these. Below are a few ways to prevent negative situations from the start:

~  If you know your child is cranky and hungry after school, having snacks and water  ready when he/she gets home, or bringing them to school at pick-up time for your child to eat and drink right away can help avoid problems later.

~  If your child is really tired and it is causing him/her to have a hard time listening, getting your child to sleep earlier can help!  If that is not an option or he/she is just cranky after a long day before bed time, you can begin preparing your child for bed much before he/she gets too tired to listen. That way, bath time or pajama time won't be such a struggle. It is very hard for kids (as well as adults!) to follow rules calmly when they are exhausted. 
~  Prepare your child in advance of what the rules are and what you expect. For example -- "we are going to go to the park but a few things need to happen in order for us to go." "I need you to come as soon as I tell you it is time to leave, even if you don't want to."  "Who is ready to do that?" "I will warn you when there is five minutes left and that means it's time to start getting ready to leave." Preparing children for the schedule and reminding them what you expect helps them listen better then abruptly telling them what is expected while they are involved in something else.

The most important thing to remember is that our children are not robots. They are human beings with moods, feelings, and personalities, just like all of us! By paying attention to what we can do differently when things aren't going right, rather than focusing on "this behavior is bad," we will more often be able to avoid the tantrums and power struggles, and we'll have a clearer and more direct way of reaching our child, with less stress - and more fun.

Helping Kids Develop A Healthy Attitude Towards Food:

                                          

Giving our children proper food messages can help them learn positive eating habits as well as have a healthy body image when they are older. If we put thought into the way we introduce food, plan our meals, and discuss food around our children, we can create understanding of, and  positive feelings towards eating properly - without power struggles.

Explain the benefits of healthy foods:

When serving meals, explaining the different food groups and why they are important can educate our kids about why certain foods are good for us and how. For example, meat, fish, and other protein sources contain iron and are good for your blood and bones, fruits have lots of vitamins that our bodies need and want, and vegetables have fiber and lots of other nutrients which can prevent disease. When our bodies are well fed, we feel better, happier and  more energetic.

Trying new things is brave! 

Making a big deal about trying new things can help motivate kids to do so. Sharing personal situations of times you thought you wouldn't like something and then tasted it - and liked it - may help them want to try new things as well. When children aren't forced to eat something they don't like, they will be more willing to give new foods a chance.

Involve the children in making a menu:

Sitting down with your picky eaters and having them choose options for dinner can encourage them to eat more of it.  Including their ideas (even if they are not typical) may help them be more likely to eat at meal times.

Everything in moderation:

Instead of telling kids that "treats are bad for you," "make you fat," or “are poison," you can explain to them the concept of moderation. There are some foods that are good for us that we can eat a lot of, and other foods that taste yummy, but don't have nutritional value. The second type are foods we can enjoy only in small amounts because they are not healthy for our bodies. When children are aware of this concept, and are allowed candies and treats in moderation, they are much less likely to binge, or be "the child who begs other children for their candy at school."  Knowing why it is better to eat certain foods in moderation -  not because "mommy is mean and doesn't let us," but rather, because "I care about my body and want to keep it healthy" - will give them a positive message about food that they can carry with them into adulthood.

Not Using Food as a Reward or Punishment:

When food is given as a reward or taken away as a punishment, it can lead to emotional eating.  Food is not a friend, nor an enemy - it is there for when we are hungry. Using treats as a punishment or reward can lead to adults who eat when they are upset or reward themselves with a pizza pie after a hard day -- not a healthy outlook!

Model Healthy Eating:

Lastly, but perhaps most importantly: we can't model a healthy approach to eating for our children if we ourselves have an emotional relationship with food! Taking a good look at your own relationship with eating helps: do you eat when you're sad/bored/lonely? How was food and mealtime approached when you were a child, and how might that impact you and your eating habits today? Taking the time and energy for some reflection in this area may give us the needed insight to have a healthier, more detached approach to helping our kids develop normal, healthy eating habits. The less negative attention we give to food, the more positive, happy, and educational we can make our mealtimes. We'll be healthier role models for our children, and will start them on a

positive path toward having a healthy relationship with food!                                                                                      

                                                                                                 

How Will Our children Survive The 'Real' world?

                     


                                         


Some say: "In the real world people aren't that nice".  "In the real world, if you are hurt, no one is going to come running to make it better". "If you are crying because you are sad, no one is going to sit with you and talk it out until you feel better". "How are children going to be able to cope in the real world growing up with parents who are so careful about parenting? Isn't that setting them up for disappointment?"

If you know there is a famine coming, would you starve your kids from the moment they are born in order to prepare them to be hungry? No! You would do the exact opposite;  they would need strong bodies in order to withstand those times.  The same is true with our children. When they have loving, supportive homes, where they feel safe and secure about themselves and their surroundings,  they can do better in a situation where they don't feel safe. They have internal knowledge that, although not everyone will support or love them, the people who matter most, their parents, love them unconditionally and respect them as people.

As parents, we have the opportunity to give our children tools to cope in the real world in a positive way. For example, if a stranger yells at our child, we can teach our child that not everyone knows how to talk the right way when he or she is upset. Not everyone knows how to talk to children. If a parent or an adult makes a mistake, teaching our children that no one is perfect and everyone needs to work on him/herself will give them the ability to deal with an adult who does or says the wrong thing with a healthy perspective. If something isn't fair, (for example, if someone got a bigger piece of cake at a birthday party), instead of re-doing the situation to make it fair - which is often impossible -  we teach our children to focus on the good things we have, rather then comparing what we have to what others have.  

Some believe that keeping a child in a bad situation with the reasoning that 'children are resilient' is beneficial. They are resilient because children are happy and have the ability to bounce back into their "happy-go-lucky" selves which helps them appear fine in a negative situation. It does not mean however, that negative experiences don't affect them! The effects from negative childhood experiences that are not dealt with properly are felt most when a child becomes an adult and especially a parent.

When our children are in a bad situation, whether in school, with friends or even at home, we are their advocates and teachers. We should try, to the best of our ability, to help them deal with the situation by giving them tools but at the same time doing our part.  In school; is this the class the child belongs in? Is this teacher one you can work with and one who cares about your child? If the answer is no, something needs to be done and it is our job to do what we can.  Is your child able to handle a bully on his own? If not, he may need some extra help from the adults around him -- maybe some books on the subject, a talk with the bully and his parents, and/or a meeting with the teachers at school. We cannot sit by with the excuse that kids are resilient or the attitude that it will prepare them for the real world.  We need to help our children by giving them tools as well as stepping in to help out when a situation beyond their control is affecting them in a negative way.  As a result of this learned awareness and armed with these internal tools a child can become secure in who he is and in his surroundings, and will have a better chance of growing up to be a resilient adult who can bounce back when things don't go right - and we all know that has a tendency to happen in the "real world"!

Dealing With New Sibling Jealousy:

When a new baby is born, it's natural for a child who was an only child or the baby of the family up until the baby was born to feel jealous. A child may think to himself, weren't things good enough without the new baby?  Teaching your child how to deal with their feelings through validation and patience, can help make the adjustment easier for them to handle.

Prepare Your Child For The New Baby: 

Reading stories about a new sibling - and the emotions that come along with it - can help your child understand what having a new sibling might be like. Showing them pictures of when they were born, as you talk to them about how they were as a baby, gives them a perspective of the stages the new baby might go through. Having a present ready for your older child 'from the baby,' can give him/her positive feelings toward the baby from the start.

Dealing With Jealous Feelings:

• Assuring your child that they are unique and there will never be anyone exactly like them and you will always love them unconditionally, could help them feel less jealous about your love for the new baby.
• Instead of blaming things that don’t work out on the baby, you can re-frame the situation in a way that shows your child you are considering his/her needs. For example, instead of saying, "I can’t play with you because I am changing the baby’s diaper", you can say "my hands are busy but they will be free in a few minutes.” Instead of saying "We can’t go out because the baby needs to be home,” you might say something like "As soon as Daddy gets home, we can go out.” 
• Mentioning your older child to your baby can make him/her feel you care.  For example, at a time when your baby feels content to lie by him/herself say out loud so your child can hear you: "Mommy is putting you down now because I need to spend some time with your older brother now."  
• Having a special box where you put toys, activities, and even treats for the sibling to open up and enjoy during times when the baby needs to be fed can help him/her feel included.  Brother/Sister can even help to make or decorate the box so he or she will feel a sense of pride and ownership within the situation; this will help contribute to him or her feeling a sense of security during an otherwise unsettling time!

In general, including your child in activities that involve the baby whenever possible can help your child feel involved and less likely to start acting out. 


Teach Instead Of Punish:

When your child tries to hit the baby, telling him/her the behavior you do want, instead of emphasizing what you don’t is more effective.  For example, instead of saying "stop hitting," you might say "Gentle,” as you gently take their hand and stroke it over the baby. Instead of putting your toddler in time out when they act out, you can teach them how to express their feelings in a more positive way. For example, if a toddler throws something at the baby because he wants attention, the child can be told; “when you want Mommy to be with you, use words like; "Mommy, can you be with me now?" Or 'I feel sad.'  Even if your child is very young and doesn’t have the vocabulary, they can communicate this on their level by learning to say "I want you Mommy," instead of hurting the baby.  If a child tries to hurt the baby often, it might be a better idea to keep them separated while you give the older child lots of attention whenever possible. As your child learns that you still love him and his feelings are validated, he will learn to love his new sibling and will grow out of this stage.

Make Special Time Just For Your Older Child:

Making time to be just with your older child reminds them that they are special too. One-on-One time helps children feel reassured that they are important and loved, regardless of  the love you show to other siblings. It can be fifteen minutes of reading stories together, or a trip to the grocery store where only one child comes along. Even just sitting and talking without being preoccupied with other things makes a child feel you care!  For parents who are extra busy, marking a date on the calender to go somewhere or do an activity your child enjoys, can help make that time happen.

Our Moods Have Power!

  

The way the mother of the home feels has a big impact on everyone else around her. When Mommy's not happy, no one is happy. Controlling our moods is a challenge! We are only human and each of us has plenty of things to think about that can  keep us feeling down. Keeping in mind how our mood can result in a happy day with sharing and caring, or the contrary, may give us motivation to work on feeling happier.  Here are a few mood boosters that can help:

1) Staying Hydrated:

Drinking lots of water affects how we feel in a major way! Dehydration causes irritability, headaches, and an inability to make proper judgments. Having a water bottle handy at all times can be a reminder to drink throughout the day.  Drinking  before and after meals can help too!

2) More Sleep:

Even if your little ones wake you up in the middle of the night, the time you go to bed makes a big difference!  Getting to bed early  not only helps you feel happier and more energetic,  but it helps control mood swings and weight gain as well!

3) Positive Thinking: 

Surrounding yourself with people who
make you feel good and care about you makes a difference in your mood. When speaking about problems, using words like "I can" and " it's possible"  affects the way you feel in a positive way. Replacing negative thoughts with positive ones helps you  start seeing  more positive results!

Tips To Keeping Your Home Clean And Organized:

Feeling more relaxed, being a good role model to your children and getting more accomplished during the day, are just a few benefits to being organized. Here are a few tips that can help you get started:

1) Make Cleaning Part Of Your Routine: 
Just as taking a shower and eating are part of ones daily routine, so too cleaning and organizing should be.  Cleaning and organizing can become a habit when it is put on the "to do list."   

2) Create A Starting And Ending Point:

Think of your home as a maze. Start at the same place every day. As you go  from room to room, put everything  in its place. Taking the time to find a place for everything is well worth it! Throw out all garbage, pile up papers to look through, straighten up beds, and sweep each room.  

3) Have Specific Days Planned For Chores:  

Choosing a specific day to clean the fridge, the windows and  the bathrooms for example, can help you get things done.  If you have cleaning help,  other things can be put on this list.   Going through papers, sorting drawers and  making the shopping list are some examples.

4) Cleanup Before Kids Bedtime:

Singing your favorite clean up song and having the kids help out, can  get them used to a clean up routine.  Try making a game out of it!  Each child can be in charge of  a specific corner.  The children can drop toys off  that belong in the others' corner and the toys will be clean in no time!  Putting laundry in the hamper can be turned into a game of basketball by hanging a hoop over the hamper.  

Emotional Awareness For Parents And Children

Part of emotional health is understanding the roots of our own emotions.  Many of the things that bother us today have thier source in negative childhood experiences.   Finding  ways to reframe those experiences,  may help us confront similar situations in a more productive pleasant manner.


When a situation frustrates you, taking a moment to listen to your thoughts, can help redirect a negative thought process to a more positive one.  For example, say a well-meaning  yet ill-equipped teacher used to call you a "disorganized mess" every time you couldn't find your homework.   Instead of hearing the words "you are a mess" in your mind every time you leave something out, you can tell yourself  I am only human!  I am working on becoming more organized and trying my best.


 Thinking positive thoughts about yourself will eventually become a habit.  The more you tap into  your thought patterns, the more you will notice the tension and anxiety that are caused by your negative self-talk.  If you burn the soup  and feel bad about it,  you may be saying to yourself;  whats wrong with me, I'm so careless!  Instead, you can train your mind to be accepting and forgiving of your own mistakes;  I'm human, everybody makes mistakes. what's the worst thing that can happen?  


A mother who recognizes her own emotional needs is in a better position to meet the emotional needs of her children.  We all have negative emotions; we just need to learn to deal with them without letting them control us.  Children don't have the tools and the emotional awareness to understand what they are feeling and why.  A mother can tell her child "when I feel like screaming I count to ten and take deep breaths."  This teaches her child an invaluable lesson in how to manage her/his own moods! A  mom might  realize  that when shes hungry, she tends to get agitated and doesn't have the patience to listen to her children.  Instead of trying to suppress  her own hunger and then lashing out, she can tell her child;  "When I am very hungry, it  is hard for me to listen to you because I feel cranky.  After I eat, I will be able to give you my full attention because I will feel better."


One who is self aware is more equipped to take care of herself and her needs, thus effectively helps her children learn to do the same.

Those Eyes Say A Lot

~ When I am talking and you bend down to my level to look me in the eye as you  listen, I feel cherished.

~ When I see you watching me as I try to climb the monkey bars, I feel encouraged.

~ When I do the right thing and you look at me with smiling eyes,  I feel noticed.

~ When you listen to my worries with acceptance in your eyes, I feel calmed.

~ When I see the confidence in your eyes as you tell me I can do anything if I try my best, I feel confident.


~ When I am afraid of something that some may think of as silly, but see that in your eyes it's OK, I feel accepted.


~ When you look into my eyes and tell me I am special, I feel loved.

Want To Lose Weight? You Can Do It!

"I want to lose twenty pounds in two weeks,"  "I need to fit into a dress that is three sizes smaller then I am now by next month,"  are things we might feel while trying to lose weight.  We think that if we don't get results quickly, or  don't fit into a size four in a short amount of time, we have failed.  Losing weight takes time and patience both mentally and physically.  Here are a few thoughts that may help you stay motivated and feeling good during the weight loss process:


1) Change takes time!

Think about a four mile hike.  You don't get there after taking four steps!  Each little step you take gets you closer to the finish line.   Even if you get tired along the way and sit down to rest, you can still pick yourself  up and continue until you have completed the hike. The same is true with losing weight.  Every single choice we make has a big effect over time!  Even if you don't see big results right away,  if you continue to try, you are  getting closer to your goal.


2) Get to know what makes you feel good:

The more you tell yourself  you can't  have something, the more you crave it.  Focusing on what makes you feel good and what your body wants instead of what you "shouldn't have," can really help.  When you are in tune with your body, you learn when you really want a piece of chocolate, and when you just "want it" because you are in the habit of thinking you can't have it.   When you eat because of fear or guilt, you feel bad.  When you eat based on what you really want,  you feel good afterwards.  You are also less likely to overdo it because you won't feel deprived.


3) Never give up!

We all have our moments and our weaknesses. That's part of the process.  Thinking about what can be learned when we don't do as well as we had wanted, is a valuable tool to staying positive.  It switches focus from feelings of guilt and failure, to feelings of hope and motivation.  Instead of calling it a  "bad day," it can be a learning experience.  Picture yourself as you want yourself to be.  Believe  that you will get there and you will!!! :)

Teaching Children Through Role Play

Role playing can be useful in many situations.  For example, how to react when someone new greets you, what to say to someone when you are not in the mood of talking to them (yet be polite), and how to approach a new classmate.  Role playing can also be useful in a situation where a child is being bullied, having a hard time communicating properly with a sibling, or having a hard time asking an adult for something in a respectful way.

Example 1:  Shira has a friend Simi  who is controlling and manipulative.   She constantly tells her things like "if you don't listen to me and do what I want to do, I will not be your friend,"   or "if you talk to another girl, I will not talk to you."  Shira has a  hard time with this and does not know how how to deal with this type of situation.   
role play with mom acting as Shira's friend:
Mom: "You must come color with me right now!"
Shira: "I dont want to, I am in the middle of playing ball"
Mom: "If you do not come color with me, I will not be your friend!"
Shira: "Although I like you a lot,  I am playing ball right now. If you don't want to be my friend, I will find a new friend."
Shira's mom explained to her what it means to be manipulated. Through role playing, she was able to give Shira tools to deal with a manipulative friend situation.

Example 2: Benny came home from school in tears. His classmates didn't like his new pair of shoes and told him so.  Although Benny liked his new shoes, he felt embarassed to wear them again and was afraid of being made fun of.  
Role Play:
Mom:  "Benny, Those shoes are so ugly!  They look like old man shoes."
Benny: "I am wearing them because I like them! If you dont like them, you dont have to wear them!"
Mom: "But you look so silly in them!"
Benny:  "Telling someone that something is ugly is not nice! If you don't like what I am wearing think it in your head, but please dont tell me about it."
Benny's mom taught him how everyone has different taste. What matters is that WE like what we wear. Even if one person thinks something is beautiful someone else might think it's ugly because everyone has a different style!  She also taught him how some kids do not realize that its not nice to tell others everything they think.  It is something they need to learn.

Example 3:  Sarah's mom asked her to clean her room.  She was in middle of playing a game and ignored her moms request.  When Sarah's mom asked her again, Sarah answered "Cant you see I'm in the middle of playing this game?!"   
Role Play:
Mom: "Sarah, Please go clean your room"
Sarah: "Mom, Is it ok if I clean my room when I am finished playing this game?"

Role playing should not be forced but if it is done in an encouraging fun way,  it can help children learn and give them tools to deal with many situations. Through positive feedback and practice, they can learn to see a different perspective and have a greater confidence in knowing how to react.