"Why Won't They Just Listen!?"

Instead of listening to their parents, many children will either ignore a request, walk away, talk back, or "give the silent treatment." This leaves parents feeling tired, frustrated, upset and at times at their wits end! It is natural to feel like yelling or punishing our kids when they just won't listen!! Shouldn't they do as they are told? What else is there to do? Here are a few things to keep in mind that may help your child follow your directions with less opposition:

1) Build  A Strong Relationship:

Showing interest in your child's life by asking questions, playing games with him/her or going on outings to kid-friendly places are great ways to spend positive time together. Making an effort to really listen without judgement or criticism helps strengthen that bond between you, which motivates your child to listen to you and have an easier time cooperating. Every child wants to feel close to their parents. When a big part of your relationship is showing an interest in your child's life, apart from telling your child what to do, it is easier to get the results you want at times when he/she needs to do things he/she doesn't want to do just because you asked or because it is "the rule."

2) Ask Your Child For Ideas That Can Help Him/Her Succeed:

If your child is having a hard time listening to any given task -- for example, going to bed, doing homework, or getting dressed in the morning; stating what needs to be done and asking the child for his/her suggestions can help him/her come up with solutions. Questions like "what can help you get dressed in the morning right away?"  Or - "Is there something you can think of that will help you stay in bed?" (soft music, an extra story, a small light, a stuffed animal, a sticker chart are some ideas.) Including children in this decision-making process is very empowering to them, and gives them a sense of self-mastery, which is an extremely important part of their development. After all, when children act out, isn't it just a clumsy attempt at asserting themselves?  Getting "buy-in" from your child in creating clear, safe limits is a way to set those limits while at the same time providing them with what they are seeking to begin with: a sense of control in what can otherwise seem to be a chaotic, uncontrollable world.

3) Give Instructions Without Anger:
The tone of voice we use can effect how our kids listen to us. It is important that we use a calm voice when asking our kids to do things or helping them refocus when they are not doing the right thing. Instead of putting them down and asking questions that cause them to get defensive like; "Why are you throwing that ball in the living room?! How many times do I have to tell you...!?" We can ask questions that help them refocus -- for example, "Where is a better place to play ball?" Or, "If you would like to play ball, show me you know where to play it." This helps children listen because they don't feel attacked, and thus there is no need to get defensive.

4) Prevent Negative Situations Before They Begin:

Many negative behaviors can be prevented when we know the cause. Tantrums because of hunger, lashing out because of tiredness, and not listening because of confusion of rules are examples of these. Below are a few ways to prevent negative situations from the start:

~  If you know your child is cranky and hungry after school, having snacks and water  ready when he/she gets home, or bringing them to school at pick-up time for your child to eat and drink right away can help avoid problems later.

~  If your child is really tired and it is causing him/her to have a hard time listening, getting your child to sleep earlier can help!  If that is not an option or he/she is just cranky after a long day before bed time, you can begin preparing your child for bed much before he/she gets too tired to listen. That way, bath time or pajama time won't be such a struggle. It is very hard for kids (as well as adults!) to follow rules calmly when they are exhausted. 
~  Prepare your child in advance of what the rules are and what you expect. For example -- "we are going to go to the park but a few things need to happen in order for us to go." "I need you to come as soon as I tell you it is time to leave, even if you don't want to."  "Who is ready to do that?" "I will warn you when there is five minutes left and that means it's time to start getting ready to leave." Preparing children for the schedule and reminding them what you expect helps them listen better then abruptly telling them what is expected while they are involved in something else.

The most important thing to remember is that our children are not robots. They are human beings with moods, feelings, and personalities, just like all of us! By paying attention to what we can do differently when things aren't going right, rather than focusing on "this behavior is bad," we will more often be able to avoid the tantrums and power struggles, and we'll have a clearer and more direct way of reaching our child, with less stress - and more fun.