"Why do they act like this?!" Accepting our Role as Parents

When children act up, it's natural for parents to have thoughts such as "What's wrong with my child!?" or "I must be a bad parent for my child to be acting this way..," "My kid will grow up to have no manners etc.."  "When will this stop!", It will only get worse"...   and "Uh-oh, what am I going to do when he is a teenager?" Feelings and Thoughts such as those above  make us feel bad. These negative feelings and thoughts may cause us to yell, withdraw, close up, and can create a wall between us and our children.  It is important to be aware of how our children's  behavior makes us feel,  so that we can make an effort to change our thoughts.  Once our thoughts are changed, our feelings can be different.  

  Looking into our child's eyes with kindness and thinking of our role as the parent, (the one who tries to stay calm and is there to help, love, validate, or whatever it is that is needed to help the child), can be so effective.   For example, when a child starts yelling and screaming at a party because s/he stepped in mud,  instead of feeling embarrassed thinking "How can my child act this way in public!?" (which would make it hard to show the child empathy,)  thinking --  "How can I help"  and validating and accepting  their behavior for what it is,  will help the parent be present and positive. Whether or not a child "should or shouldn't" act a certain way.. they ARE acting like that!  Our job as parents is to figure out how to deal with the situation in a positive way.  Every time our child "acts up," yet sees that we are still  loving,  they learn that they are loved unconditionally.  

Try these positive responses and see how a stressful situation that may have turned into a heated power struggle can last only a few short moments,  and calmness can be restored pretty quickly. This way of responding also builds the relationship and trust between parents and children because our children feel they are free to be themselves.  They look to  the adult for support as they express their feelings,  instead of suppressing them for fear of judgment.  A child who is allowed to be herself/himself will have a healthier  start to relationships and have more confidence.

Should We Force Our Children To Apologize?

While It is important for our children to make amends when they do something wrong, commanding them to say the words "I'm sorry" - or similarly "I forgive you" when someone apologizes to them - is not the way to teach empathy.  Think about it: as an adult, how would you feel if the minute you do or say something wrong to someone, another person comes at you and demands that you apologize! So what can we do? Is there a way we can we teach kids to say they're sorry... and mean it? It helps if we 
clarify the lesson that we want to teach our children. 

Our ultimate goal is not for our kids to say the word “sorry.” We want them to show that they are truly sorry for what they have done. We want to help them repair the damage they have inflicted onto others. We want them to recognize that saying they’re sorry means that they regret what they have done because they have hurt another human being.

Grown-ups, not just children, tend to believe their own experience of reality is the true one, that they are generally justified in their actions. If we let kids off the hook by having them spit out words they don’t mean, we are encouraging them to lie, and missing a golden opportunity to teach empathy.  A child might say "I'm soooorrrrry" in a silly tone, or if he's scared of punishment he might say it as if he means it without really caring about the other person or learning a lesson from what happened. At this point, unfortunately, the scenario has become more of a power struggle than a learning experience.

So how can we teach our children to a) feel bad when they do something wrong and b) ultimately to apologize?

1) Model the behavior you want to see. If children see their parents apologizing sincerely when they have done wrong, they will learn to do the same!

2) Give your child the tools to figure it out himself. If you simply correct, you are undermining your child's ability to develop his own solution, and to build important self-esteem. Asking questions that make the child think about his behavior like "How do you think the other child is feeling?"  and "What can you do to help?" provides a "cue" that won't upstage his own insights and efforts.   Making sure your child has the "space"  to  look around and internalize the fact that he's done something to hurt someone else is important. You might be pleasantly surprised at how many times he will go over and apologize sincerely on his own!

3) Talk about the future: encouraging your child to think of better ways of behaving in the future (for example saying "excuse me" instead of pushing) helps a child learn to think of others' needs in addition to his own. Talking about better ways to make amends when a child has wronged someone else can help instill a child with the ability to handle a mistake in the future.

While saying sorry is certainly important,  teaching our children to care and feel for others, by helping them find ways to make honest amends, should be our ultimate goal and focus.