When children act up, it's natural for parents to have thoughts such as "What's wrong with my child!?" or "I must be a bad parent for my child to be acting this way..," "My kid will grow up to have no manners etc.." "When will this stop!", It will only get worse"... and "Uh-oh, what am I going to do when he is a teenager?" Feelings and Thoughts such as those above make us feel bad. These negative feelings and thoughts may cause us to yell, withdraw, close up, and can create a wall between us and our children. It is important to be aware of how our children's behavior makes us feel, so that we can make an effort to change our thoughts. Once our thoughts are changed, our feelings can be different.
Looking into our child's eyes with kindness and thinking of our role as the parent, (the one who tries to stay calm and is there to help, love, validate, or whatever it is that is needed to help the child), can be so effective. For example, when a child starts yelling and screaming at a party because s/he stepped in mud, instead of feeling embarrassed thinking "How can my child act this way in public!?" (which would make it hard to show the child empathy,) thinking -- "How can I help" and validating and accepting their behavior for what it is, will help the parent be present and positive. Whether or not a child "should or shouldn't" act a certain way.. they ARE acting like that! Our job as parents is to figure out how to deal with the situation in a positive way. Every time our child "acts up," yet sees that we are still loving, they learn that they are loved unconditionally.
Try these positive responses and see how a stressful situation that may have turned into a heated power struggle can last only a few short moments, and calmness can be restored pretty quickly. This way of responding also builds the relationship and trust between parents and children because our children feel they are free to be themselves. They look to the adult for support as they express their feelings, instead of suppressing them for fear of judgment. A child who is allowed to be herself/himself will have a healthier start to relationships and have more confidence.
2 comments:
What encouraging and inspiring words! Acceptance and respect for who your child is--not who YOU want him/her to be--that's the key to less stressful parenting! As you write, when parents accept a child within the framework of love and family values, life is smoother and happier for everyone! Great post!
Rivkie words of wisdom :-) I really like your advice.
If I can please ask you, when you have a chance, to address the initial feelings of "the kids are out of control" these feelings are real, if we don't address them then we will have a hard time implementing the new way of thinking.(you can't have two programs running at the same time)
Thanks
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