Taking Care Of Ourselves

When traveling on an airplane,  the flight attendants tells those traveling with kids: "Put your own oxygen mask on first, before you  put on your child's." Our first instinct is to take care of our children, but If we don't take care of ourselves first, we might not be able to help either one of us and it can be unsafe. If we put our mask in place first, we are then in a position to help those we love.


Taking care of a family,  it is easy to focus all our attention on our children. However, we must focus just as much of our energy on our relationship with our spouse, and ourselves. In the emotional aspect, just as we try  to help our children figure out their emotions and give them tools to deal with life, we too can  work toward learning better coping skills and being in a healthy emotional state.

There are three personal areas we need to care for: body, mind and spirit. Even doing something simple like taking a walk every day, making a scheduled date night with your spouse, can go a long way toward feeling better and more energized to deal with day to day challenges.


One way to start practicing self care, is to make  a list of at least ten things that make you feel great while you are doing them and ten things that you don't necessarily enjoy while doing them, but feel accomplished after completing them. Doing at least two things on this list every day, can help a lot  when annoyances big or small with your  kids or spouse are starting to get to you. By  paying attention to what makes us feel good and energized , we are more able to do our job that G-d has blessed us with, being a parent (and spouse), with joy!

Words To Make Them Feel Like A Million Bucks

~  The day that you were born was one of the most happy days of our lives!


~  I feel blessed to be your mom.


~  You have so many special qualities.  Some of them are......


~  You bring so much joy to our family. 


~  G-d gave us the best present he could ever give us - YOU!


~  You are so beautiful. Inside and out.


~  Tell me about your friends.. (listen)


~  Tell me about your dreams.. (listen)


~ Tell me about your fears.. (listen)


~  Choose somewhere special you'd like me to take you. I want to spend some time just with you!


~  Your smile warms my heart.




~  Only G-d is perfect. I see that you are trying, and I am proud of you!




~  There is nothing you can ever do to make me stop loving you.

Replacing Negative Behaviors

When Children get upset, or are not sure how to handle a situation, they do what comes natural;  yell, hit, whine, or fight. In order for us to help our kids stop these behaviors, we need to teach them how to replace them with more positive ones.


Example  1: Commenting on the negative behavior:
 Sarah is playing with her ball that Ben wants to use. Ben is three, and does what comes natural, grabs away the ball from Sarah.  Sarah Starts to yell.  Mom says;  "No grabbing!"  Or "stop fighting!"


Teaching to replace the behavior:
Mom:  "Can you think of a better way you can get the ball instead of grabbing it?" Ben: "Sarah, can I please play with your Ball when you are finished?"  Mom: "I like that you are asking for what you want with words instead of grabbing!  I am going to be watching for times you use words instead of being physical! I know how hard it can be to control yourself, but I know you can do it!"


Example 2:  Commenting on the negative behavior
Shaina comes home from school starving.  Shaina: "This dinner looks gross! Why did you make a supper that I hate?? I am not eating any of it!"  Mom: "That is not how we talk to a mother! Stop whining and go hungry if you don't like dinner!"


Teaching to replace the behavior:

Shaina: "This dinner is gross!"  Mom: "Shaina, Mommy worked hard making this dinner for you. There is a respectful way to say how you feel while showing you appreciate the hard work someone put in for you.  Can you think of a better way to say that you don't like this dinner?"   Shaina:  "Thank you for making us dinner mom!  This dinner  is not my taste. Do you mind if I make myself a sandwich instead?"


If a child can't think of ways to express what they want to say/do in a more appropriate way, we can give them the words to do so.  For example: "Instead of hitting  because you are upset your brother took your crayon, you can use words to say "Please ask me before you take my crayons! If he still does not listen, you can call mommy for help."


By re-doing scenarios and having our kids practice better ways of communicating and reacting, replacing their instinctive reactions to better ones can become second nature. By taking notice of when they are trying, it motivates them to try harder. It is not easy to change an initial reaction!  If children are taught this when they are young, they will grow up with a tool that even many adults do not have! They will know how communicate negative feelings in a respectful and polite manner.

It's OK To Cry!

"You are too big to cry!,"   "Be a big boy and wipe your tears away,"  Or "Show me how you act like a man and stop crying!"  are things people say to kids all the time.  Adults who say these things usually have good intentions when they tell a sad child not to cry.  

There may be some reasons of our own why we want the child to stop crying, perhaps a few of the following:

I don't feel comfortable with your tears because I don't know how to help you, so please stop!

I don't know how to deal with strong emotions myself so I feel agitated when I see others expressing emotion.

I feel so embarrassed! I don't want others to think negative thoughts
This is not something that sad to cry about!

Crying is a part of the healing process.  G-d gave us tears for a reason!  It is a way for us to let out our sad feelings so that we can feel better again.  Crying has nothing to do with age. Big people cry too!   The crying will stop all on its own, even without intervention. No storm lasts forever. When you can stay lovingly present with your child while he is in tears you'll get to see that after a good hard cry, your child is usually thinking much more clearly than before, and feeling much more connected and affectionate and kind. Don't we all feel that way after a good cry?  Some of us have been conditioned to hide or suppress our emotions and "put on a big happy smile"  when we feel like we need to cry.  If we learn to allow ourselves to feel emotions, and deal our feelings as they are, without trying to suppress them, we can be in a much better position to allow our kids to deal with their emotions too without feeling like doing so is "weak"  or "wrong."  

My daughter came home from school one day and told me "someone told me that only babies cry."  I told her, and all my children this; "G-d gave us tears for a reason!  Although many people believe it is weak to cry, I believe that it is good because it washes away your sad feelings and helps you be in a better place and feel refreshed."  I was so proud when my sons teacher told me a response my son gave an adult who told him not to cry.. "my mommy said it is OK for me to cry when I am sad! G-d gave me tears!  I will stop crying as soon as I feel better."  I couldn't be more proud of him.  Hearing that brought tears to MY eyes! :)

Can You Spoil A Baby?

Many people believe that always responding to a babies needs will make him "spoiled."   On the contrary, the more responsive you are to an infant’s needs, the less “spoiled” the baby will be as they get older. Bonding creates trust, and children  who are bonded with tend to be more independent, not less. Research shows that babies whose needs are met quickly as infants actually become more secure and confident and less whiny as children. suggests Brandy K;  "If your baby is having some separation anxiety and is being extra-needy, wanting to be held all the time, the quickest way to get him through it is to be there for his every cry (whenever possible).  "knowing" that you are there for him all the time, whenever needed, will build his confidence and support him in becoming an independent person.

It is easy to feel down when you have a newborn.  After all, the changing, feeding, holding and soothing can make any mom feel as if they are doing "nothing"  all day!   Realizing that every time you touch, hold, sooth, or talk to your little  baby, you are affecting his/her future, and your child's self esteem can help.  What you are doing is priceless!    

Some newborns need to be held a lot to feel secure, some don't. Each baby has her/his own unique needs. Giving into a child because you are afraid of them, or because you don't know how to deal with them, can spoil a child.  Saying NO and then changing your mind only because you don't want your child to feel sad can spoil a child. But giving a child what they need, being there for them to teach them to feel safe and loved is LOVE.  You can never give too much love!

Setting Up Our Children For Success

 Children need to honor and listen to their parents, but it is important that as parents we find the correct words to say and are mindful of how we deliver our messages.  It is difficult for a child to listen to someones advice or criticism when it is said in an angry tone.  Getting to know each child's personality is what helps most for us to learn ways to speak in order to help them succeed and listen.  When we speak from a place of love and respect rather then anger and judgement, our kids feel that emotion and are more likely to respond positively.

When children are doing something wrong, telling them things like "why are you doing that?"  or "What is wrong with you?!"  will cause them to get defensive.  They might yell back and emit negative behaviors because that is the natural reaction when someone is being attacked.

It isnt easy to always react from a positive place.  One helpful tip might be to think how we as adults like to be spoken to when we are doing something wrong.  How we might feel if we are told off in public etc.  Even if a child understands what they did wrong, if the criticism is delivered in a way that causes embarrassment or shame, the negative behavior will probably continue.

Thinking of ways we can help our children be receptive to our criticism, and trying different approaches of reaching each child, can make a big difference.  It is also OK to not react on the spot when unsure what the best reaction is.  Taking a break to calm down also teaches our children how to deal with their own frustrations!  In fact, they will learn more from our non response  they will from an angry reaction.  Going over the behavior later on in a calm manner when the child is ready to be receptive can go a long way in helping them internalize our messages.

Help! It's "One Of Those Mornings"...

It was one of those mornings... Mommy went to sleep late and was exhausted.  The kids were acting up because when mom doesn't have patience, the kids feel it and do the opposite of what they are "suppose to do!"

That is exactly what type of  morning this one was.  As I was getting my three kids ready to head out to school,  my son wanted to wear his rain boots, even though it wasn't raining (which is not a big deal in a happy mood!) , my other son didn't want to wear his jacket even though it is freezing outside, and my daugther was all ready and waiting impatiently for her brothers to get ready so she wouldnt be late to school! By the time we got to the car, the kids were in tears saying the did not want to go to school.

There are times we don't  deal with situations as well as we would like to.  We might raise our voice,  not  validate our children, and make a stuation go a lot slower by being so impatient.  By the time we need our kids to do something, they are in tears, or having a tantrum!

Taking a few deep breaths, and stopping for a few moments to relax and talk with our children really helps calm everybody down!   Having a conversation like;  " do you know how you feel  cranky when you are tired?   Sometimes,  little things that are not really important bother people when they aren't in a good mood.   When mom doesn't sleep so well at night it makes her feel cranky too!  Even mommies work on the way they talk when they are feeling lousy.  We all  work on communicating nicely, no matter how old we are!"

 Showing our kids that we too have our moments and our struggles that we work to overcome helps them in thier negative moods.  It also allows them to express themselves when we hurt them without fear of us reprimanding them for it.  It makes it easier for them not to take our critism at those times so personally.  They may think "oh, I think mommy is feeling extra tired today."

After hugging each of my kids for a few moments and using this approach ("mommy is extra tired today, Im so sorry I let it out on you and raised my voice! Even mommies work on themselves to talk nicely when they feel cranky!")  the kids felt better and were ready to start their day on a happier note.   Yes, I feel a little bit guilty, but I try to remind myself that I can't be more the human!

When we show our kids we care about their feelings and are working towards a calmer happier home for them and us, the whole family can work towards that.   The message they will internalize is  that we are all human and have the choice to work on ourselves to change our natural responses into ones that we desire!  We can lead by example of how it is important to apologize when someone else is hurt because of our negative mood, no matter what the reason!